Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Even More Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week


Remember the post "Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week?" Well not to mention that this week I found myself talking to all of you about the time I burned the hell out of my lady bits, but this week overall just seemed especially strange in the conversation department. So now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you a sequal to "Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week."

*****

On Monday I got pulled over for speeding. I had actually just put my foot on the brake to slow down because I thought *maybe* I was in a construction zone, but there were no workers, no equipment, no signs, just a few of those orange barrels with the reflectors. I saw those, looked at my speedometer, realized I was going 55, put my foot on the brake, and saw the cop pull out behind me.

DAMMIT.

He came to the window and said "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Because I have a big mouth and I cannot lie to save my life I replied back "probably because I was going 55 in a construction zone."

"Ma'am, this is a construction zone and the speed limit is 30. I'm going to have to write you a $750 dollar ticket. License and registration please."

CRAP.

I hand him my cards, he lowers his sunglasses, and I blurt out "Hey! I know you!"

He looks at me for a minute and says "yes....how do I know you? You look familiar."

"You came to my house after my ex shot my window. You climbed under the bed with my daughter when she was scared and hiding."

"It's you!" He exclaimed. "How have you been? Is he giving you any more trouble?"

"Eh, nothing I can't handle" I replied.

"He handed me back my license and registration and said "take care of yourself and have a nice day."

Again with the blurting stuff out I said "you're not going to give me a ticket? I was totally speeding, I'll admit it. I mean I really didn't know that I was in a construction zone, I mean come on, where we live we can all recognize construction but that area is a bit questionable to me, but yes, technically I was speeding."


He looked at me for a minute and then said "First of all, don't tell a cop that. Secondly, you have enough trouble on your plate. Have a good day and don't forget to call me if you need anything."

SCORE!!!

*****

Tuesday I posted on my Facebook asking if anyone knew the teacher that my daughter has for school this year and what they thought of her.



*****

On Wednesday I was meeting with a guy whose business is participating in my nonprofit fundraiser. At one point he jokingly said "I like my idea better. Either you agree with me or I'm gonna knock you out." I giggled and then I looked at his face which now read "OHMYGOSH I just threatened to hit a girl working on a domestic abuse project WHERE IS A HOLE THAT I CAN CLIMB INTO?"

I knew he was joking and I felt bad that he felt bad so I said "take your best shot buddy! The thing about me is that I spent years in training so it's not going to be easy for you to take me down! Seriously, I can take a hit like a man in combat. Give me your best shot and I guarantee you I'm gonna pop right back up like a spring loaded punching bag and take you down! I bet I only need to get one punch in before you are crying about a bloody nose; that is if you can even catch me. I'm small, crazy, and I move fast; it's like trying to catch a leprechaun on speed."




******

On Thursday I headed over to the classroom of my best friend classrooms (she is a teacher) simply because I needed to sharped 2 dozen pencils per the girl child's school supply list and I wanted to commandeer her electric pencil sharpener. (Seriously, is this something that people commonly own? I have a feeling there were a lot of parents sitting around giving themselves carpel tunnel syndrome and blisters as they turned 24 pencils round and round in the tiny little pencil sharpeners that come in child sized art kits).

Anyways, while I was there she was all "Eden! Let's go to the city Saturday night, my daughter can stay the night with your kids! (How awesome is it, for me, that my 36 year old friend had a baby when she was 16 and her now 20 year old kid can watch mine? Love it!). Let's spend the night in the city and come home when the sun is coming up! (I kid you not people, she actually said that). What should we do? What kind of fun do we want to have?"

Me: "Well if we are going to come home when the sun is coming up, then I want to have the kind of fun where there is the potential that you might get thrown up on."

Her: "Haha! Ok, we can get drunk and make xxx drive us home. You always get the free pass since you won't drive on the highway! You know what I hate? I hate that everyone comes up to talk to you and no one talks to me. Now granted I'm married so I shouldn't care, but I do. My husband says it's because I have a resting bitch face and if I'm not smiling I just look like angry."

Me: "Aw don't worry. You find us a driver and I'll make sure to keep you out of resting bitch face mode. This night will be so hot we are all going to wake up pregnant."

Cuz that's how we roll around here people....

*****

On Friday my friend invited my kids and I over for a play date. Before I left I grabbed a box of crackers out of the pantry to take along and when I got there she was actually making dinner for us.

Me: "Girl I didn't know you were making dinner for us! You need to save your money!"
Her: "Oh don't worry about it, I had a little extra money on my food stamp card this month and I know you guys are struggling too."
Me: "That's funny, I brought a box of crackers that I got at the food pantry so that you wouldn't have to feed my kids because I know how tight your budget is."

The two of us laughed, the smoke alarms went off, we spent twenty minutes fanning smoke out of the house while I explained to her that you can't put oil in the oven or it smokes, and eventually we got dinner made and the kids to the table.

Me: "Ok, you guys (kids) can eat after you say your prayers."
Her: "Hey, make sure you thank the people that gave you that food."
Me: "Yea kids, go thank the neighbors and any other tax payers you see on the street."

Sometimes when you are as poor as us, you just have to laugh a little. Thanks taxpayers, the kids enjoyed their dinner!

*****

On Saturday...







*****

On Sunday my boy child said to me "I seed da quack in da sky yesterday."

Me: "You saw a crack in the sky yesterday?"

Boy Child: "Yea. A quack. In da sky."

Me: "Ok...."

Boy Child: "Den was da funder."

Me: "Oh, you saw lightening and then heard thunder?"

Boy child: "Yea, and den I died."

Me: "Then you died?"

Boy Child: "Yea, I died, but Santa Cwaus bringed me up again!"

Me: "Santa Clause brought you up from being dead?"

Boy Child: "Yea, cuz I need be a teacher when I grow up."

Me: "You're going to be a teacher when you grow up?"

Boy Child: "Yea when I grow up. Right now I still baby but I oh-most big. I oh-most ta-wall enough to da-wive."

Me: "You're almost tall enough to drive?"

Boy child: "You can cut my hair now?"

Me: "You want me to cut your hair now?"

Boy Child: "Yea and your hair and can I watch TV and yuk at me mommy! I can wun fast wike a tractor does it!"

Me: "You can run fast like a tracter does it?"

Boy Child (now running in circles): "Yea mommy! Yuk me running fast wike a tractor does it!"

Me: "Uh.....so glad we had this conversation."

Also to be noted this week, were several quotes made by these small little people of mine:

I handed the boy child a glass of water and told him to be careful with it. As he was walking away I overheard him whispering to his glass "You be careful with me, ok?"

The girl child asked me "Mommy, is pudding just mud with flavor in it?"

New vocabulary that I learned this week, compliments of the three year old:

"soapatizer" = hand sanitizer. I'll admit it, that makes perfect sense to me.
"speak-a-nator" = tornado siren. I have no idea where that came from.

Lastly, I actually had to utter the phrase "Stop licking the rain off the car."

Does anyone else find themselves in a least one abnormal conversation a day or is it just me?



Photo Credit:
Punching Bag

20 comments:

  1. "Get your dinky OUT of the Slinky!" Yep, said that recently.

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  2. My 14 month old son got prescribed to take a steroid for his cough and I asked about side effects, "like roid rage?" HAHAHHAHA the doctor just looked at me and didnt know where to start. I still think it was a valid question! Your conversations with your son make me so excited for mine to start talking. I cant wait!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No! There really is roid rage in kids on steroids!! When my boy child had to be on them for a short while the doctor warned me about it. I thought they were nuts but I swear he was literally growling and screaming at people like a nut job.

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    2. Hahaha thank you for validating my question! I knew I wasnt totally off! When my guy starting growling and screaming I will remember this.

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    3. Ha! Good luck, it is NOT fun!

      *hugs* (you are going to need them....)

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  3. "Stop licking your sister."

    I never thought I would have to say that.

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    Replies
    1. I have said that myself lol!

      Twas' a sad, sad, day when I heard that come out of my mouth.

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  4. After working in childcare for 9 years, I have some doozies.

    One from the other day? A 2-year-old got into the soap by the sink and was licking it off her hands.

    "This soap is yucky."
    "Well stop licking your hands. Let's go wash them."
    "I need to get the soap off." And she proceeds to lick her hands some more.
    "Kid, stop licking your hands."
    "But I need to get the soap off. It tastes yucky."
    "Kid, STOP LICKING THE SOAP OFF YOUR HANDS."

    I had to drag her over to the sink, kicking and screaming to wash her hands. What does she do as soon as my back is turned? Get more soap on her hands and proceed to tell me that the soap is yucky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I keep thinking of the orbit gum slogan "Dirty mouth? Clean it up!"

      Yucky!!

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  5. I can't reprint the conversations I have on a daily basis...But yes, they're bizzare!! LOL

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    Replies
    1. Ya gotta come up with at least one sister!

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  6. Here's a pretty crazy recent one with my 8 year old as we are laying in bed after story time and before prayer time. Totally random and out of the blue:
    "But mom, I would think that the baby would come out of the butt hole. Because the butt hole stretches more than the vagina."
    Me: "No, it comes out of the vagina. Actually the vagina stretches way more than the butt hole does."
    Her: "Yeah."
    ... ???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haaaaaa!!! Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine. Seriously, do you ever hear yourself talking to your kids and think "I seriously cannot believe I just said that."

      I have had stranger conversations with my kids than I have had with completely drunk friends.

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  7. "We don't play with our vulvas at the table." is a sentence uttered more frequently than I'd like in this house. Also she likes to recount all the things she's done during the day some more fictional than others but some plausible. She lies about what she's eaten... like she'll tell me that she's eaten Cheerios when she refused them and blueberries when there are none in the house.

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    Replies
    1. Haha!! I just read an article called "we dont play with our vulvas at the table." I think it was on the Scary Mommy site!

      Don't you just LOOOOVVVEEE how kids retell stories? Not to mention that they go on, and on, and on, and ON AND ON AND ON ON ON ON STOP TALKING ALREADY!!!

      love kids. ;)

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    2. My husband doesn't have to be at work until 11 in the morning so he gets up with her and plays and does the breakfast things and if our daughter is willing to entertain herself he does some studying or housework. He's lovely like that... Well yesterday was one of those where she was willing to play by herself and I guess she'd gotten bored, so she came into our room, hoisted herself up on the bed and did her damnedest to wake me up. She gave me hugs and kisses and then when that didn't work, she lay down next to me and started chattering about god knows what and demands the blanket. Finally, I decided to give up the ghost and start my day, when I hear "Mama, no! Lay down, Mama! Banket, Mama!" She wasn't ready for me to get up quite yet.

      She has taken to squirreling away greenbeans into hidyholes in the living room. Tonight, the cat discovered a pocket of them and has been attacking them and feinting and pouncing and jumping and flapping her paws putting on a great show for us. Her antics have been more interesting than this dreary episode of Downton Abbey.

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    3. Aw, I love when they try to wake us up! Except for the actually waking us up part, they are usually so cute about it!!

      To funny about the green beans and the cat! I totally know what you are talking about when they find something little and go nuts watching it flip around. Mine used to love the plastic ring on milk jugs and rubber bands for your hair.

      Sounds like you have a fun time over there!

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    4. I choose to focus on the fun and not the bed-wetting and medical bills and having to ask the synagogue to forgive my dues for the past year so that we can try to get a little ahead for this coming year.

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    5. Ha! Yea in that case, definitely focus on the fun lol!

      Sorry you are having a rough go of things!

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