Monday, October 6, 2014

Your Text Messages Are Whacked

You all can thank Mr. Attorney Man for this post. He sent me a text the other day that said "this has been a strange round of texts today" and it caused me to pause and think "hum....well....this is actually pretty typical for me."

Now to be fair, I was kind of just messing with him. You see I had a copy of an article he wanted about our nonprofit and I was going to frame it and give it to him for his office, but....why just be nice when you have the opportunity to screw with someone a little bit first? See what I'm sayin'? So I decided that I was going to possibly lead him to the conclusion that I was getting him a stress relieving office rodent. He never caught on.....

Vegetable food, phobia's, and pine wood shavings for the cage; nope, didn't seem to flip any light switches for him. Unfortunately one of my board members beat me to the punch and sent him the PDF file and then it just felt wrong to continue to string him along, so I had to crash the entire plan. Bummer because it was going so well....for me....

Really though, like he has any room to judge. He isn't exactly the picture of Mr. Text Message Normality himself:

This isn't the first time I've written about the bizarre context of my text messages. (You can find the first two posts here and here.) I figured now was as good a time as any to update you on the fact that not much has changed!

I'm still just as strange as ever!

"So Eden, what do you talk about all week long when you aren't pouring your life out onto the pages of this blog?"

Unfortunately nothing scholarly. I'm pretty sure that if I died and my last words were derived from the text messages on my lasting reputation might not be what I would have hoped for.

I can be found talking about social issues: (Don't forget, I'm the blue blurb!)

Sometimes I make plans with my friends for the day:

Or just about how our mornings are going:

Other times I talk to a guy who is taking me on a first date:

A few texts showcase the continual effort that I'm making towards standing up for myself. As you know, because of my parents and my ex, the lines have been really blurred for me as to who I should let in my life and who I shouldn't. Over the course of the last year I've been working really hard to filter out my real friends from the people that I mistakenly let into my life. Unfortunately filtering out the "unwanteds" is not always pretty....

*This text thread started exactly like this. I hadn't heard from this person in a month and out of the blue three people are apparently coming to get me. I didn't even have to ask why they were coming to get me, because I knew; they were taking me to some singing competition where I would stand on stage all night, and then they would take my winnings to pay for their entire weekend of partying. I had previously tried to talk to them about it, even offered to pay travel/room expenses plus 50% of whatever winnings were left over, but that I needed the rest of the money for bills. They had FLIPPED and I had decided I was done.

(Note that the previous text transitioned from morning to evening after my "later good luck" text.)

That was fun.

Sometimes, when I hang out with my real friends, we talk about the old dude that tried to pick me up at Starbucks. I had met my friends there while they grabbed a coffee (and I didn't because coffee, yuck) and there was a guy next to us whose table was so close that it was actually touching ours. My girlfriends and I were having girly chat; you know, the typical girl talk about manscaping and rich husbands (just us??) when the guy at the super close table leaned over with a notebook, said that he felt like he was part of our conversation, and then asked for my phone number. My friends had ironically at that exact moment been teasing me that I needed to marry for money and not love the next time around. So being as classy as I am, I replied to the guy who had just asked for my number with "I don't know, do you have money?" Great Eden, that's just great. (I was joking but I don't think he knew that)

This was the conversation with a friend after we left:

And then later another friend sent this as a group chat text:

Seriously, I have the strangest luck with men! Remember Sparkles? Remember the rare "One Percenter?"  (Shudder)

Speaking of strange, the web designer that maintains my nonprofit web page is totally awesome and as strange as they come. What is it with techies and their strange schedules? I'm not even kidding when I say that he routinely schedules 11pm phone meetings for us; like literally, I'm 100% serious.

I have an ongoing joke with a male friend of mine about a naked selfie photo; he really wants one. I'm not handing them out because we are just friends (among the 100 other reasons that I'm not sending him one) and it has just become a never ending joke. He is literally the first person that I hear from every single morning and I love it.

The next day....

 The day after that....

I actually sent him a red square, that is not an edit

Later that day....

We don't always talk about naked selfies, sometimes it's even more vulgar (also, is it just me or is this guy always super enthusiastic?). Here I am texting him from a party that I was at (be aware that the text thread abruptly transitions from the party to the next morning):

So anyways, going back to talking about naked selfies, what I don't love, is getting TERRIFYING naked selfies. This was a fun little surprise from the chiropractor whose office I clean (to clarify he is a 32 year old male with a twisted sense of humor. This is not him, this is some photo that I've seen going around Facebook):

The picture caption reads "taking a shit in a field of flowers"

In some cases, it is important to keep a text record of your conversations in the event that you are blamed for a criminal offense. For example, if your friend breaks up with a guy who is holding her laptop hostage and you are trying to help her get it back:

I like to help my friends, because sometimes they help me, like this friend who is giving me a ginormous mirror to use in my dance studio for strip class:

Sometimes the neighbors update me on the Nutcase Neighbors:

Speaking of people I do not wish to see anymore......this happened.

Yep, I ran into my mother at the grocery store on what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Do I have the best luck or what? Do you want to hear how the conversation with my her went? Of course you do, but it was too much to put here so make sure to come back for that post!


  1. LOL Love the window into your insanity. Your life is definitely.....Eclectic. ;)

  2. You have the most interesting text conversations. So funny and...unique. :)

    That text thread between your "friend" who wanted to come pick you up so you would win money for their tab...just...ugh. That was ridiculous. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

    I'm usually a really good judge of character - nine times out of ten I can tell pretty soon after meeting someone if they're a decent person I could get along with or if they're not. Unfortunately, what I'm unable to do is the whole stand up for myself thing. So I can definitely tell a person isn't someone I want to associate with, but I can't do a darn thing about it.

    However, your text thread reminded me of one time in high school where I did stand up for myself against someone I'd considered a friend for the past 3 years. It was senior year, I had a coveted parking spot (there were only about 80 available for the 192 kids in my class) and I was driving two friends to and from school every day. We agreed they'd give me $5 per month for gas since they were both slightly out of my way. Everything started off fine and dandy until February. I told them every single day in the beginning of the month that they owed me five bucks and that if I didn't have it by the end of the week, I wouldn't be picking them up that Monday. One girl gave me the five bucks that Friday, but the other girl didn't. Our conversation went something like this via (probably) the very first cell phone that ever texted:

    Thursday's texts:
    Me: Hey, any chance you could get me the five bucks tomorrow? I really need it for gas and you've been telling me all week you've got it.
    Her: Yeah no problem. I'll give it to you when you pick me up tomorrow.
    Me: Great. Five bucks. Friday morning. See you tomorrow.
    Her: It's in my backpack now. No worries.

    Friday morning's in-car conversation:
    Me: You got the five dollars?
    Her: No.
    Me: Uh, you said it was in your backpack.
    Her: It's not.
    Me: Okay. Do you perhaps have it in your pocket?
    Her: I don't have it. Sorry. I'll give it to you on Monday.
    Me: You've been saying you'll give it to me tomorrow all week. I need that five dollars.
    Her: Seriously? It's five freaking dollars.
    Me: Yes seriously. I'm broke and my car does not run on solar power.
    Her: Just ask your parents.
    Me: I'm asking you. We've had an agreement all year about this. Five freaking dollars a month when I'm driving two miles out of my way twice a day every day to take you to and from school. That's not an unfair agreement.
    Her: You're not getting your five dollars today. I don't know when you'll get it.
    Me: Ask your parents for it then.
    Her: It's not my car that needs the gas.
    Me: But it is you who is requiring I fill up more often.

    She wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day. I told her before we got out of the car that I'd take her home but would not be picking her up on Monday morning. She just laughed and rolled her eyes.

    I have to continue this in another comment because it's too long...sorry ;)

    1. Here's the rest:

      Saturday's texts:
      Her: Hey, could you swing by my house a little early Monday? I need to talk to Mr. Teacher Guy.
      Me: I'm not picking you up Monday. I told you this.
      Her: LOL sure you are.
      Me: Actually, no, I'm not.
      Her: You're too nice to just leave me standing out in the cold.
      Me: The school bus drives right by your house. Hop on it. Your house actually is a stop on its route.
      Her: No way in hell would you let your friend, who's a senior, ride the school bus like a loser.
      Me: I'm not picking you up. End of discussion.
      Her: Haha, yes you are. See you Monday morning.

      I didn't pick her up Monday morning. Our mutual friend, who had paid me, was yelling at me the entire drive to school that I was being a bitch and being unfair and ridiculous over a measly five dollars. No amount of "It's the principle of the matter" and "I already told her numerous times I wasn't picking her up!" would placate her.

      Got to school, went to class, and at lunch things kind of blew up. Apparently this girl who I didn't pick up REALLY needed to talk to Mr. Teacher Guy because he agreed to come in early to go over something with her and possibly change a grade she'd gotten on an assignment. But since she hadn't showed, she had to take the failing grade and he wouldn't budge.

      So she comes into the lunch room screaming at the top of her lungs that I'm a bitch and a loser and she's going to fucking kill me and at this point I'm about to dive under the table because I am tiny and she is not and I'm thinking she's literally going to kill me. But I took a deep breath and just said, "Look, Girl, I told you SIX DAYS IN A ROW that I wasn't going to pick you up Monday if I didn't get my money and SIX DAYS IN A ROW you promised me my money. And I never got my money." At that point she was about to throw a punch when the gym teacher grabbed her from behind and dragged her kicking and screaming (yes, literally) out of the cafeteria.

      I lost a couple of friends over the incident, friends I thought I could count on. But I felt a lot better about the people who stayed by me and it felt damn good to stand up for myself.

      And if this comment breaks something in your blog because it's way too long, I apologize. ;)

    2. That's insane!! Geesh!! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!!! I'm glad you stood up for yourself!! What happened after that? Did you make glaring eyes at each other for the rest of the year?

    3. Yeah, it was nuts. I didn't get in trouble for the fight but I think she had to serve detention after school for a week for screaming at me in the cafeteria, threatening to kill me, and trying to physically assault me.

      We didn't have any classes together so we didn't run into each other too often that final year. We did eat lunch together and a few of her BFFs wandered off to sit at their own table while my friends and I stayed where we'd been sitting all year. I remember once in May one of her BFFs came over to our table and told me that Girl had sent her over to ask me if I'd start giving her rides to and from school for the last couple of weeks but she didn't have any money.

      Seriously? Uh, no. I am not driving you to school nor am I going to play telephone with some random person I don't know because you're too much of a drama queen to come talk to me.

      But yes, there were some glaring eyes in the halls and in the cafeteria, haha. ;)

    4. Did you read my post about the girl that I punched in highschool and then she totally beat me up? Well the school had a strict no fighting policy. She was suspended and missed all her finals. Because of that she did not pass her classes. She was a senior and had to come back again the next year!! I literally tried to blend in with the lockers when I saw her coming down the hall lol!

  3. Much needed laugh tonight :) I have so many weird conversations like these too, I'm glad I'm not the only one!