Your Text Messages Are Whacked

You all can thank Mr. Attorney Man for this post. He sent me a text the other day that said "this has been a strange round of texts today" and it caused me to pause and think "hum....well....this is actually pretty typical for me."

Now to be fair, I was kind of just messing with him. You see I had a copy of an article he wanted about our nonprofit and I was going to frame it and give it to him for his office, but....why just be nice when you have the opportunity to screw with someone a little bit first? See what I'm sayin'? So I decided that I was going to possibly lead him to the conclusion that I was getting him a stress relieving office rodent. He never caught on.....

Vegetable food, phobia's, and pine wood shavings for the cage; nope, didn't seem to flip any light switches for him. Unfortunately one of my board members beat me to the punch and sent him the PDF file and then it just felt wrong to continue to string him along, so I had to crash the entire plan. Bummer because it was going so well....for me....

Really though, like he has any room to judge. He isn't exactly the picture of Mr. Text Message Normality himself:

This isn't the first time I've written about the bizarre context of my text messages. (You can find the first two posts here and here.) I figured now was as good a time as any to update you on the fact that not much has changed!

I'm still just as strange as ever!

"So Eden, what do you talk about all week long when you aren't pouring your life out onto the pages of this blog?"

Unfortunately nothing scholarly. I'm pretty sure that if I died and my last words were derived from the text messages on my phone....my lasting reputation might not be what I would have hoped for.

I can be found talking about social issues: (Don't forget, I'm the blue blurb!)

Sometimes I make plans with my friends for the day:

Or just about how our mornings are going:

Other times I talk to a guy who is taking me on a first date:

A few texts showcase the continual effort that I'm making towards standing up for myself. As you know, because of my parents and my ex, the lines have been really blurred for me as to who I should let in my life and who I shouldn't. Over the course of the last year I've been working really hard to filter out my real friends from the people that I mistakenly let into my life. Unfortunately filtering out the "unwanteds" is not always pretty....

*This text thread started exactly like this. I hadn't heard from this person in a month and out of the blue three people are apparently coming to get me. I didn't even have to ask why they were coming to get me, because I knew; they were taking me to some singing competition where I would stand on stage all night, and then they would take my winnings to pay for their entire weekend of partying. I had previously tried to talk to them about it, even offered to pay travel/room expenses plus 50% of whatever winnings were left over, but that I needed the rest of the money for bills. They had FLIPPED and I had decided I was done.

(Note that the previous text transitioned from morning to evening after my "later good luck" text.)

That was fun.

Sometimes, when I hang out with my real friends, we talk about the old dude that tried to pick me up at Starbucks. I had met my friends there while they grabbed a coffee (and I didn't because coffee, yuck) and there was a guy next to us whose table was so close that it was actually touching ours. My girlfriends and I were having girly chat; you know, the typical girl talk about manscaping and rich husbands (just us??) when the guy at the super close table leaned over with a notebook, said that he felt like he was part of our conversation, and then asked for my phone number. My friends had ironically at that exact moment been teasing me that I needed to marry for money and not love the next time around. So being as classy as I am, I replied to the guy who had just asked for my number with "I don't know, do you have money?" Great Eden, that's just great. (I was joking but I don't think he knew that)

This was the conversation with a friend after we left:

And then later another friend sent this as a group chat text:

Seriously, I have the strangest luck with men! Remember Sparkles? Remember the rare "One Percenter?"  (Shudder)

Speaking of strange, the web designer that maintains my nonprofit web page is totally awesome and as strange as they come. What is it with techies and their strange schedules? I'm not even kidding when I say that he routinely schedules 11pm phone meetings for us; like literally, I'm 100% serious.

I have an ongoing joke with a male friend of mine about a naked selfie photo; he really wants one. I'm not handing them out because we are just friends (among the 100 other reasons that I'm not sending him one) and it has just become a never ending joke. He is literally the first person that I hear from every single morning and I love it.

The next day....

 The day after that....

I actually sent him a red square, that is not an edit

Later that day....

We don't always talk about naked selfies, sometimes it's even more vulgar (also, is it just me or is this guy always super enthusiastic?). Here I am texting him from a party that I was at (be aware that the text thread abruptly transitions from the party to the next morning):

So anyways, going back to talking about naked selfies, what I don't love, is getting TERRIFYING naked selfies. This was a fun little surprise from the chiropractor whose office I clean (to clarify he is a 32 year old male with a twisted sense of humor. This is not him, this is some photo that I've seen going around Facebook):

The picture caption reads "taking a shit in a field of flowers"

In some cases, it is important to keep a text record of your conversations in the event that you are blamed for a criminal offense. For example, if your friend breaks up with a guy who is holding her laptop hostage and you are trying to help her get it back:

I like to help my friends, because sometimes they help me, like this friend who is giving me a ginormous mirror to use in my dance studio for strip class:

Sometimes the neighbors update me on the Nutcase Neighbors:

Speaking of people I do not wish to see anymore......this happened.

Yep, I ran into my mother at the grocery store on what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Do I have the best luck or what? Do you want to hear how the conversation with my her went? Of course you do, but it was too much to put here so make sure to come back for that post!