I Guess I'm Going To Trial (With A Complete Psycho)

Remember my blog post about the woman who rear ended my car, and then drove away? If you do remember, you’ll also remember that I was able to catch up to her at a stoplight, and snap a photo of her license plate. Then I pulled up beside her, honked, motioned for her to pull over, and she basically laughed, flipped me off, and drove away.

#RUDE

Because chasing her down the street and I dunno, running her off the road or something, seemed like a bad idea, I pulled over and called the police. The police looked at the photo I had taken of her and the damage done to my car, and actually took the time to track her down. When they found her and pointed out the damage to her car, she admitted that she had hit me. She was then charged her with several things, including a hit-and-run.

If you don’t remember that post, well that was basically the entire story so consider yourself caught up.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Anyway, thankfully she had insurance, and her insurance company assumed full liability and paid to fix the damage on my car. I thought that since the police had found her, she had admitted to the crime, and her insurance had paid for the damages, that all was said and done.

I was wrong.

Because really now, can anything ever be that easy?

So It Ends, And Then It Begins

Happy New Year!!!

Is it just me, or was 2016 really weird? I mean it doesn't compare to the year my husband disappeared and my entire life exploded, but I have to say, this year was a close second.

Or am I missing something and do other people also routinely find their "missing" former spouses living across town with a new wife and kids, and form a semi-relationship with the woman who told him to leave?

Just me?

So anyway, yeah, this year was weird. 

And yes, yay, I got married again, and since I'm sure that you are all sick of hearing about at this point, I will just shut up about that and say that I'm really happy you have all stuck with me this far. 

Thank you.

These last few years in general have been a really crazy, super weird, pretty bumpy ride, and as much as you guys probably sit back and think "can this really all be happening to her?" let me just tell you that I always wonder the exact same thing.

It's a lot, this life. Go big or go home I guess.

Looking back though, I'm not sure that I would change a thing. A lot of things came full circle for me this year, and I'm excited to see where they take me. The Girl Child is having some surgery in a couple of weeks that I'm hoping will make things much easier for her, there are some big changes coming with my nonprofit (details to come!), and I'm working hard to figure out how best to deal with the trauma of my old marriage, when in comes to the future of my new one.

But I'll have time to get into that later, because right now I'd rather relax and recover from last night's party, which was hosted by none other than my Platonic Hubby herself....

.... which couldn't have been complete without a midnight balloon drop for the kids.

I Got Into A Physical Fight With My New Husband

I woke up kicking him and shoving him away from me.

“Eden, it’s me! It’s just me, and you’re safe. You are safe, wake up!”

The voice, it sounded familiar.

It was Friday night, or rather, now early Saturday morning. The Guy and I were unwinding after the kids had gone to bed, by watching a movie and having a drink. We weren’t drinking excessively — not even close — but I was tired, and so was he, and at some point we had both fallen asleep in a pile of pillows that we had been using to cushion the floor; which was a much better option than our ridiculously uncomfortable sofa.

When the TV shut itself off and The Guy awoke just after 2am and realized what time it was, he gently shook me by the shoulders and tried to wake me up so that we could both make our way upstairs, and into a bed that would be much kinder to our backs than the floor was.

But my back was already screaming in pain, and I was disoriented just enough by the darkness of the room, my position on the floor, and a man leaning over me, that my half asleep, wine relaxed brain, didn’t immediately piece the entire scenario together.

Instead, it pulled what little information it knew, and it flashed me back to a time when I was 19, and I found myself groggy, in the dark, in pain, and with my ex-husband pushing my shoulders down into his futon.

And right then and there I "realized" that I was about to be raped again.

So I fought.

So This Is What It's Like To Be Married To Me

So I can't figure out why the alignment is all messed up in this post, and things are justified left, and right, and center, and I can't change it AND I GIVE UP.

Moving on...

I'm sorry again for my delay in posting. I swear I feel like I do more apologizing than writing here these days! After my fun little poisioning experience, I was sick for a solid week. Like no joke sick; blood pressure issues, heart rate issues, brain fog, stomach ache, headache, and everything hurt. After all the IV attempts where my veins kept collapsing, even my hands hurt too much to type.

But, I'm finally feeling better! I got up today, went to the gym, got some work done, and am happy to report that for the first day in a week, I didn't end up curled up in bed crying in pain. So, yay for progress.

And while I was taking some time to rest, I read an article in which a woman had posted ten texts between her and her husband, that she felt completely summed up her marriage. As a writer, I usually try to see how other works may be applicable to my own life... but this one killed me.

Because really, do you want to see what it's like to be married to me?

The Guy is gray, and I am blue

I'm not really sure what this says about us.

I Got To Ride In An Ambulance

Yesterday I was having lunch with a fellow nonprofit board member, and as I usually do, when the waitress came I asked if the restaurant had any gluten free options. To my excitement, they had a whole gluten free menu.

SCORE! 

Unfortunately when my burger came, my supposedly gluten free bun looked IDENTICAL to my friend's gluten one, so naturally I became suspicious. Wanting to confirm with the waitress, I asked her if mine was gluten free. When she paused and then said "uuuummmm...... yeeeeesssss. Yeeessss it issss," I became even more suspicious.

And did not want to touch that thing with a ten foot pole.

Deciding that I wanted a second opinion on this burger that may or may not contain gluten, my friend and I sat, and waited, and sat and waited, and then waited some more, until ANYONE at all would come to check on us so we could inquire about my now cold hamburger. When it got to the point that my friend was done eating and no one had come back to the table, and I suggested that maybe my friend dramatically fall out of his chair and throw himself to the floor so that we could get some attention, the manager walked by.

Looking at the burger, he said "oh no. No that is definitely not gluten free. I am so incredibly sorry and I will be right back."

He came back less than 30 seconds later, with the same burger.

"Sorry, the chef said that we use a company now that makes gluten free buns that look just like our regular buns."

Lie?

I thought so.

But feeling guilty that my friend, a busy attorney, had already been overly gracious about waiting with me through the whole charade, and having not eaten gluten in so long that the threat of actually dying from it seemed like a distant memory, I decided to eat the damn burger.

Bad idea.

This is me messaging my husband two hours later.

The Lies My Ex Spews (And Why We Shouldn't Do Drugs)

A couple of weeks ago, I had court again with my ex. We were there for the ongoing saga that is the child support issue, and thank you Lord, when I got there, BEST DAY EVER.

My regular judge was on vacation.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

And the stand-in judge looked like he needed about a gallon of coffee and a few grams of something illegal just to stay away for the next twenty minutes.

Basically, I loved that judge.

Unfortunately for me, before I even got the chance to have my case heard by this new, amazingly awesome judge, my ex asked Mr. Attorney Man if he could speak to me in the hall.

"Sure, why not," I said. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong in that situation (besides of course, everything).

I'd like to say that I agreed to do it because I had suddenly adopted some primal warrior attitude that was giving me the bravery I had previously lacked, but I'd be totally lying. Rather, that morning I was feeling rather stoic about the whole thing. I hadn’t been scared to walk into the court room, but I honestly think it's because my ex has dragged me through so much over the last few years, that I have begun to feel almost numb as of late. Abuse, rape, infidelity, lies, addiction, financial ruin, abandonment, hurt children, stalking, new wives, new children, and a never-ending court process, has all lead me to a place where I just feel numb to his destruction of me.

I really don’t think there are many more ways that he can hurt me. 

So into the hallway I went, where he began to spew his lies and play his victim card, and in turn, forget "stoic," because I instantly felt like my head was going to explode.

Photo Courtesy Of Giphy.com

“You took out a car insurance policy on my car, and when you got into an accident, my rates went up!” he hissed.

It was then that I made the snap decision that rather than physically attack his lying ass and get myself thrown in jail, I would take the high road...

... and passive aggressively chat with him.

Marriage Is Great, And We Are Already In Counseling

Do you guys remember the post "My Christmas Tree Might Actually Fall Over," in which I threw out the big tree that I had once shared with my ex, and in an attempt to embrace our new life as a family of three, bought the only tree that my measly budget could afford?

This year, The Guy and I decided to keep that tree, and use it as our one and only. No expensive, six foot tall tree could replace three and a half feet of cheap plastic, that has always had pride and strength hanging from its branches.

So this year, I got to watch my husband put up the tree that symbolized my new life as a family of three, which has now grown to a family of four, and through it all, I watched my past continue to intertwine itself with my future.

It felt amazing.

Now that the dust has settled a bit on my surprise marriage, everyone keeps asking me the universal standard "First Year of Marriage Question," which if you were unaware, is "Sooooooo, how is married life?"

And it's funny, because it almost makes me wonder if there are people who really answer "it sucks. Honestly, I wish I had never done it. I'm like a week in and I already have one foot out the door and another stepping into the grave."

Because there would be nothing awkward about that... 

But since I'm always never awkward, I end up giving nifty little answers such as "it's great, except that I keep forgetting he lives with me now. Like he is there. All. The. Time."