Friday, June 3, 2016

The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

“I’ll forward them to you” he said, and in response, my entire body cringed. You see, I’d been dating this guy for a while now, and he had just told his best female friend that he couldn’t speak to her anymore, because of me. She reacted with a string of very pleasant emails that called me everything from a psycho bitch to a complete mental case. She told him that he needed to break up with me, and was livid that he wasn’t defending her. And by livid, I mean she said “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.”

So basically, it was a lot of fun.



Now let me back up for a minute and say that yes, I’ve been seeing someone. I waiver back and forth between discussing it on here, and not discussing it on here, and I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel like I’ve displayed so much of my dating life online, that I’m feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. You’ve watched me go on good dates, and horrible dates, you’ve seen me fend off creepy men that I wasn’t at all interested in, you’ve seen me start to fall for people, and you’ve seen me get my heart broken when it didn’t work out. You’ve watched me break a few hearts, and you’ve seen me struggle to date while trying to find the balance that still puts my kids first. You’ve also watched me try and figure out if monogamy or polyamory was for me, and you saw that I landed somewhere undecided.

I’ve basically bared everything from the inside of my heart to the inside of my bedroom, and I don’t know… I guess I’m just feeling a little shy this time around because I’ve already eaten so much dirt while the whole world has watched, that I'm a little full of dirt at the moment.

So to be vague and yet somewhat concrete, yes, at this point I am seeing someone monogamously. Where this will end up, I really couldn’t say. We aren’t living together or anything like that. There is no secret engagement, my kids aren’t calling him daddy, he isn’t paying any of my bills, but we are together. We have been taking things at a snail’s pace (there are kids involved here!) and how this proceeds from there, only time will tell. But as I said, I’m just feeling a little vulnerable these days, and honestly I’m not sure how many more times I can have my heart broken and still find a positive spin on it while I put myself back together. I think, at this point, that I’d almost rather grieve the loss of another relationship privately if it were to come to that, and I hope that you can all respect that. So until I’m a little surer of the unsure, vague it is.

But what I will say, is that so far things seem to be going well… and that is much to the dismay of his close female friend, whose emails were the ones he was forwarding to me.

Allow me set the stage for you:

Shortly after I started dating this guy — who we will now refer to as The Guy (I know, I’ve gotten so creative with these names lately, haven’t I?) — I learned that he had a very close female friend. Aaaannnddd… I’m not going to lie; my radar signals went up. He hadn’t given me any reason to suspect anything and I’d like to think that I’m mature enough and secure enough to handle my man having a close female friend…. but let’s just say that I’m not always that mature.



But I didn’t let him know that. Nope, I didn’t say a word because mature Eden, secure Eden, well she was still trying to make a very mature and secure impression on The Guy. I mean can you fault me? OBVIOUSLY if this poor guy had ANY idea of what he might be getting himself into with me, he never would have stuck around for a second date.

Plus, mature-and-secure Eden certainly didn’t want to be the girl who has been cheated on by EVERY SINGLE GUY that she has EVER had a serious relationship with and now has trust issues. Nope, she didn’t want to be that girl and she certainly didn’t want to drag all of her past baggage into a new relationship and dump it onto some poor guy who hadn’t even had the chance to do anything wrong.

I didn’t want to be that Eden, so mature-and-secure Eden was in full force to be understanding of this somewhat unsettling friendship between The Guy and his very close female friend.

But the radar was on, oh yes it was.



Which PS, if I can just interject here for a minute: this is all weird to me. I’ve spent a good deal of my time being poly and being TOTALLY alright with my men dating — and even sleeping with — other people. Hell I used to help the men I was dating, plan dates with other women! But when The Guy came along and requested monogamy from me, and I shocked the hell out of myself by obliging, well the rules changed and threw me for a loop. Figuring out monogamy was hard enough for me, but when you throw in this close personal female friend… let’s just say I was confused and unsettled.

But anyway, I was mature-and-secure, (RIGHT GUYS? RIGHT?)?

Even when she would text him while we were on a date, asking him things such as “do you think that this outfit is too sexy?” I retained my composure (even though I was practically choking on my tongue). I was also mature when he went to a party with her (that I wasn’t invited to) and I saw a photo of them both having a great time together (although I almost needed to visit a dentist for jaw pain after clenching my mouth shut). I was still mature when she would refer to him with a cutesy little name, and I was even mature (and admittedly less secure) when she used him as her personal sounding board for all of her marital issues.

I will admit, from everything that I had seen in their encounters with each other — whether it be on the phone or whatnot — his responses were no more interesting than how any guy would interact with even a male friend. And although I tried to read into them and see something that would have felt almost vindicating to my unsettled feelings, I didn’t see anything from his end that would be cause for alarm. But then something happened, (of which I will not specify at this time, but is in no way meant to insinuate he did something scandalous), and I became decidedly less secure with the situation. Or rather… I became more mature.

I decided that this was not something that I was comfortable with, and you know what? That’s OK. You don’t have to be comfortable with everything, you just don’t have to be.

So in a sit-down conversation, I told him how I had been feeling. I told him that I trusted that nothing was going on from his end, but that I couldn’t help but be suspicious of her motives. I’m telling you guys, I’m the first one to not trust someone, and for once, maybe in my entire life, I really did trust him. But I didn’t trust her; something just didn’t feel right, and from what I had seen, I had reason not to trust the situation.

I explained to him that I was really struggling to know how to handle this because I was trying to balance the scars of my past with giving him a clean slate, but that he was putting me in an awkward position that I was no longer comfortable with. I told him that it’s a pretty well known fact that most affairs occur between someone who is having relationship issues, and the person that they are confiding in, and that it feels unsettling since I felt like she was sucking him into her life as a stand-in for her husband, and I didn’t feel like he was seeing it.

There was no argument, it was all very cordial. He told me that he had always had female friends and that he believed that as long as no sexual boundaries were crossed, that he really didn’t think there was anything different about him going to a party with her or over to her house, than if he were to go out with one of his guy friends or hang out after work. He explained to me that they were just friends and that is all that they had ever been, but sensing that I was upset, he asked me if I wanted him to stop talking to her.

You guys, I felt SO guilty. And un-evolved. And immature. And sexist. And like some kind of failed feminist.

So, I told him no, that I didn’t want him to stop talking to her.

LIES. ALL LIES.
He asked me if I was OK, and then in his defense, he did make an effort. He immediately stopped talking to her about her marital issues, and he stopped making plans to see her unless I was invited as well.

But my unsettled feelings didn’t abate, and if anything, they increased. I was just really, really, uncomfortable with her being around, and I was equally as terrified to do anything about it. Not because I thought he would break-up with me if I said something, but because I felt like if I did ask him to stop seeing her, that I would be letting the past get the better of me.

I also felt like I would be accusing him of cheating, when I really did not believe that he was.

The tension in the situation mounted, and for anyone who knows me, my truth comes out in more of what I don’t say, than what I do say. I wasn’t saying much about it, but he knew. In his attempts to calm my fears, he wanted to show me his phone, Facebook, email account, whatever I wanted and anything that might prove that he was not making any sexual advances towards her, but I firmly told him that I wanted no part of that; that I already have two kids to watch over and I didn’t want to be put in the position of having to watch over my man as well.

So there we were, him wanting to know what he could do to ease my mind, and me not even sure what I should be worried about.

I’m sure that at this point in this post you must be envisioning some huge, drama filled situation that heavily plagued us on a daily basis, but I promise you it wasn’t like that. It was more like a constant and somewhat inaudible level of annoyance, that was still very much there, and would occasionally turn the volume up until we paid it some attention.

But that still doesn’t mean that it ever went away.



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In a totally new concept for this blog, this particular post will be spread out in a series of three separate posts; a trilogy if you will. Basically what happened was I finished writing the post, realized that it was eight pages long, and had pity on those of you who attempt to squeeze a blog post in while you are riding the train to work or taking a five minute break from your kids. Dumping eight pages on you seemed unnecessarily harsh, so, stay tuned for part two which will be up in the next few days!

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If You Liked This, Here Are A Few More Relevant Posts!





29 comments:

  1. Um, yeah. She has a thing for him, and if he thinks you are just a jealous female ... no. That woman is having an emotional affair with him he is unaware of. The end.

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  2. The suspense is killing me! :) On another note, many women are very mean. I've been in this situation twice, where there was a girl "friend"... And an affair happened each time... It's not our fault we turn into jealous people that don't easily dish out trust to men, or women for that matter... Our instincts are, more often than not, right.

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  3. Uhhhhh... yea. That's cheating. Anyone can see that. I can't believe you even let it go on that long. His ass would have been out of my life the second that he tolerated any of that from her. She is absolutely, as you said, using him as a stand-in for her husband, and he is allowing it. Since they've been together (and oh yes, they are together), longer than you and he have been, you're basically the sexual side-piece.

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    1. Looking back I wish I would have handled things differently from the beginning... watch for the next post!

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  4. Judging by your first paragraph and that her reaction to him pulling back was to tell him to break up with you, just proves that she has staked her claim on him and you were a threat to what she thinks she owns. You had every right to be suspicious, because in her eyes, The Guy was hers. Of course you should be leery of that, your monogamy seeking guy was allowing himself to be shared between two women! He was TOTALLY cheating on you!!!!

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    1. I guess we will have to see what happens... :D

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  5. Just because she is having an emotional affair does not mean that he has gone there in his mind or that he is cheating. However as Billy Crystal says in "When Harry Met Sally" "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way". I think there is often truth in this but it is not always the case...after all...you are still friends with Frisbee Boy, aren't you?

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    1. Yea, I agree that just because she is thinking one thing, it doesn't mean that he is also thinking the same thing. It was still driving me INSANE though lol!

      I'm actually not friends with Frisbee Boy anymore. I mean we didn't have a falling out or anything, but after he got married, it just didn't feel right texting him to chat and calling him to hang out. His wife, while I have absolutely no issues with her and she has never been anything but nice to me, definitely did not seem AT ALL comfortable with us being friends, and after my attempts to get to know her better seemed to be met with resistance, I kind of faded away out of respect for the family he was building with her. Funny that you would bring that up though, I was just talking to his mom (Frisbee Boy's Mom!) about this the other day when we were talking about this situation. I still see Frisbee Boy, but we have zero relationship anymore outside of running into each other at "family" parties and whatnot.

      Now I'm not saying "and that is how everyone should do things," I'm just saying it's how that situation ended up playing out.

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    2. It is hard to stay friends after one is married or in a serious relationship...it is often not fair to the spouse/significant other. I think it is possible for guys and gals to be friends but when you start sharing your deepest thoughts and begin to need each other, a line is crossed. It sounds too much like she is crossing the line. And if she truly cared for him, she would do as you did, try for a friendship with you and if that didn't work walk away. That is the classy way to handle it!

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    3. Why for the past few years did I think Frisbee Boy was a child! And that his mom was your friend. Maybe I knew this and am just losing my mind haha

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  6. 1. I am married and would never ask another male - even someone I was long time friends with - if my outfit was 'too sexy'
    2. Where was her husband at this party - marital issues I guess. But if I went to a party with a male friend who had a new girl she would TOTALLY be invited - I would even be eager to meet her - IF he was just a friend.
    3.If one of my guy friends said they couldn't talk to me anymore because of a girl I would first respect that decision and second try to make her feel comfortable around me.
    4. I am ready for the rest of the post this is agonizing.

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    1. #1 THANK YOU!!

      #2 I wouldn't know since I wasn't invited! I didn't see any pictures of him there, only The Guy and her together, so I'm assuming he wasn't there. Or if he was, she wasn't hanging out with him! Funny, I honestly never thought to ask if he was there or not...

      #3 That's because you act like a grown up :)

      #4 Enter my evil laugh...

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  7. Yeah - the "is this outfit sexy" is totally staking a claim on him when you were right there. There are names for "friends" like that - unfortunately few are very complimentary. I await with breath bated...

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    1. I could not agree more lol.

      Grr this girl.

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  8. Sounds like she likes him .....and I'm sure he gets something from that. I don't think he wants to pursue anything serious with her though, from what you've said. I think it all comes down to trust; you have to trust him and if he strays ....then he strays. Nothing you can do, sorry. But you can't let it eat you up inside, worrying over what could or couldn't happen with him and her. Just be who you are ...and hopefully he'll see how wonderful that is and reciprocate the feelings/emotions.

    All the best :)

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    1. I'm not sure if he gets something out of it aside from friendship (and no offense, but some guys can be a bit dull at picking up a woman's clues), but I DEFINITELY do not think this chick is on the up and up!

      But you are right, there isn't much I can do about it except to choose to be with him, or look for someone who can offer me something different :) We shall see what happens!

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  9. My ex-husband had had one of those friends. Difference was they actually dated for a week (no sex happened) before she broke up with him for another guy. Kept him around as a "friend" or as I'd like to say "backup". I meet him, we arrange a first date, and who comes along to OUR FIRST DATE. This chick. Turns out I knew her from back in Junior high. Was not friends with her, but I remembered her. She tried to tell him we had been "the best of friends!!" Wtf we had spoken a hand full of times, but her boycraze then had been too much for me (in junior high her parents let her highschool drop out boyfriend move in with them!!) I was never rude to her, just didn't become friends. Present day and a couple weeks later me and him are official, couple months later (after many issues with her butting in despite the fact she is with someone) I'm talking to him and I finally get him to admit her shitty behavior that had surfaced quickly towards me is because she straight told him she didn't like me. She asked him not to date me (or anyone for that matter), and he was confused by that. Asked me why she would say that when she had a boyfriend, I told him he was her "good guy backup" because she actually liked dating assholes instead, but he'd be there to tell her nice things and hangout with her when her bf ditched her for his bros (or side chicks). He refused to break off the friendship even though she clear as day despised me. And through our 6 years together she never stopped. I'm confident he never had a sexual affair, but I learned my lesson staying in a relationship with someone who would let their "friend" constantly disrespect me.

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    1. Oh and I let myself go a little crazy and I checked his phone (more then once:( )He would confide in her sometimes when we had problems!! Like it wasn't bad enough she was terrible to me, he told her our troubles. One time he came home and got really really drunk (literally the one and only time I would EVER see him drunk) So I knew something was up, one such message told her about how he had been thinking about his only other long term girlfriend because he had seen her earlier that day! That's why he came home and got hammered! I had been staying up half the night to make sure he didn't choke on his vomit and that's what I read!!! The other long term gf and him had dated 2 years. They had been separated for almost 3years when I met him, and we had been together for 2 years at that point! I was young and dumb and should of seen the signs that our union should have never continued.

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  10. This girl friend of his is full of shit. I have a lot of guys friends, and even BEFORE I got married, I never sent such pictures to them. Seriously. And I never, ever, had disrecpected ANY of their girlfriends (even dates). Being a friend do not entitle you to chose your pal's GF or BF.

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    1. High-five!

      (P.S. I was wondering if you were still around! Hi!)

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  11. Yes! Trust your gut and know what you need to feel safe and respected. Don't doubt yourself. You have guys friends of your own and know when something is off (e.g., I would never solicit feedback about a "sexy outfit from a guy friend! It's plutonic for a reason!) I can't wait until Part II!

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    1. Agreed! This girl was getting under my skin lol!

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    2. Or rather, the entire situation was!

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  12. First of all, *hugs*, It's not an easy position to be in at all. I'm not getting a good vibe about this female "friend" of your boyfriend's. All kinds of inappropriateness on her part.

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    1. Dun dun duuuunnnn... and stay tuned for part 2 :)

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  13. You are completely right to trust your instincts on this! I personally don't believe that a heterosexual man and woman can be and remain "just friends." Everything you have said in this post confirms my thinking. Can't wait to read the next one!

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  14. *waves hello!*
    I swear I tried to sit down and read your recent posts, but every single time I looked up and realized a had a bit of spare time, Real Life decided to grow a sense of humor and smack me with a gigantic case of NOPE.

    Anyway, I agree with everyone else. While I do think guys and girls can be friends (and guys and guys and girls and girls in gay relationships), the "does this make me look sexy?" is crossing the line. And really, hanging out jut the two of them would bother me as well. Not to mention how she reacted when he told her he couldn't speak to her anymore...yikes.

    I can see being upset if a longtime friend suddenly sent me an email and said, "Hey, I can't talk to you anymore because a girl I'm dating doesn't want me to." But at the same time, I'd try to talk to him and ask him what brought this on, is there anything I could do, should I back off or something, etc. Her response? Definitely not okay.

    Trust your instincts

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