It Is Not My Shame to Bear: Straight From The Mouths Of The Little People I Live With

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Straight From The Mouths Of The Little People I Live With

As usual, things have not "normalized" around here, meaning that my kids are just as weird as ever. I mean I can't blame them since they have me as their mother, but still, I'm pretty strange, so if I'm constantly being caught off guard by how strange my kids are... well then that's saying something.

Nothing to see here people, move along.

Sorry folks, I don't have normal kids. I just don't.

And to further prove my point, allow me to present to you, exhibits Sunday-Saturday:

Sunday:

The Boy Child, after stepping directly into a wet spot on the carpet that I had just cleaned with a heavy duty carpet cleaning solution, looked a little startled and then assured me "don't worry mom, it didn't burn the shit out of me like you said if would if I touched it."

He then ran off to watch the breakfast cookies bake while I pondered my parenting failures.

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Monday:

While grocery shopping, The Girl Child kept climbing onto the side of the cart for a ride. Getting a little frustrated, I told her "I'm not going to tell you again to get off the cart. It's very heavy and I don't need an extra 40lbs of you hanging off the side."

"Mom," she said, clearly exasperated. "Don't blame me. I have no idea how heavy 40lbs is. I've never picked myself up before, so you can't expect me to know this stuff."

I swear, this kid, THIS KID.

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Tuesday:

We were eating dinner when The Girl Child set down her fork and asked me "Mom, do you ever wonder what it would feel like to be a chicken nugget?"

I can honestly say that is one thing that has never crossed my mind. Probably because my mind is so busy worrying about how many doctor's appointments I should make her and how many medications she might need.

She tried to ride down a steep hill in the car, and then... this. At least she was wearing a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads.

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Wednesday:

I'm drying my hair and I notice The Boy Child staring at me intently and smiling.

"What?" I ask him. "What?" he answers back. "Why are you looking at me like that and smiling?" I say. Clearly offended, he answers firmly "I like you! Is there something wrong with that?"

Ok then.

In other news, BOTH MY KIDS APPEAR TO BE NORMAL.

Kidding!

But we already knew that.

The Girl Child playing Candy Land by herself, and getting excited because she is winning.

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Thursday:

While watching TV, The Boy Child turns to me all teary eyed, and through his quivering lips says "I don't like this movie. This movie gives me a sad face."

Shame on me, letting my four year old watch a cartoon where they run out of birthday cake and not everyone gets some. THAT'S PRACTICALLY A HORROR MOVIE FOR FOUR YEAR OLD'S.

Not a re-creation.

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Friday:

The Boy Child is walking down the stairs when I ask him "did you brush your teeth?"

The pause gives me all the information I need to know, and his widening eyes just solidify it.

"Go back upstairs and brush your teeth," I tell him.

"I didn't say that I did or didn't..." he says, attempting to feel out the situation and see if he might somehow still win.

I stare at him and this time, I widen my eyes.

"Sissy!" he yells as he turns around to scurry up the stairs and find his sister. "She knows! SHE KNOWS!! How does she do that!!??"

Oh children of mine, let's not forget that I. KNOW. EVERYTHING.

Or at least that's the angle I intend to play as long as it appears to be working for me.

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Saturday:

I'm just going to leave this right here, and admit that I really have absolutely no idea.