His Wife Found Out We Were Dating

Ok, this has been the strangest week and its only Wednesday. I kind of feel like I might need someone to send in reinforcements just to get me through the rest of the week. Help. I had all these great blog post ideas, but those will have to wait for now, seeing as how my brain is just about fried, and its only Wednesday. Again, help.

Also, just to warn you, I didn't proofread and edit today. I'm just really tired.

Since I don’t want to leave you all hanging around waiting for me, let me give you a little update on this week so far. I’ll call this little synopsis “Eden’s Whacked Out Life; Where are the cameras?” Seriously, where are the cameras? I have got to be in some twisted reality show version of “The Truman Show,” because this shit just cannot be real.

Saturday: If you read my last blog post, you will remember that this was the day that I got underdressed and went to a really fancy hotel so that I could watch some guy pee.

Sunday: I’m driving to the grocery store and my phone rings. I look at the number and my heart skips eleven beats, because it looks like my brother’s phone number. But it can’t be….right? I haven’t talked to him in 15 months. If you remember from the post “That Post Where I Finally Talk About My Brothers,” we had a big falling out after I stopped speaking to my parents. This brother particularly was the worst. Hundreds of text messages and voicemails telling me to kill myself, to the point where I threatened to press harassment charges on him. The last conversation we ever had went like this Him: Do the world a favor and kill yourself.” Me: “Nah, I wouldn’t want to spend all of eternity with you,” followed by this text, the last thing I ever said to him.

He was warning me that if I didn't talk to my mother it would be the last thing I did

He of course continued to text me for weeks on end, but I never responded and eventually he got bored. So, this CANNOT possibly be him calling me, right? I answer and hear “Hey Eden.” Yup, its him.

Me: “Yea.”

Him “So, what’s up?”

Me: “What do you want?”

Him: “Do you want to come over to mom and dad’s to talk?”

Me: “About what? Actually, no don’t answer that. We don’t have anything to talk about. I heard enough of what you had to say 16 months ago to know that I don’t need anyone like you in my life.”

Him: “You’re my sister.”

Me:  “Yea, I was, and as my brother, I never would have thought you would have treated me the way you did, but you showed me your true colors and they were ugly as hell. I’m happy now, for the first time in my life, I’m really happy. I’m sorry, but I don’t want you in my life, now, or ever.”

Then I hung up the phone.

Doesn't Everyone Dress Inappropriately And Then Watch A Strange Man Pee?

Saturday night I was afforded a really nice opportunity to be a guest at a charity gala. Back in October one of my board members had introduced me to a man (and I am throwing in there that this man is probably in his late 40’s and happily married, just because you all tend to think I should date every nice man in my life) that has a lot of ties to the not-for-profit community, politicians, and benefactors. I originally met him for breakfast to sort of fill him in on my ideas and gather some advice from him. He loved the not-for-profit idea, flat out told me that he loved me, told me that once he said that out loud it sounded a lot creepier than it did in his head, tried to back track, and then said “Oh forget it. I love you and I love your energy. I want to take you home to meet my wife and show you off to my friends.” It was appreciated, if not a little odd. That breakfast was followed up by an email saying basically the same thing, and asking if he could set up a few more meetings for me.

Fast forward to today. This guy has been amazing. He is setting me up with contacts left and right. Two weeks ago he catered a breakfast for me. FOR ME people. This stuff does not happen to me. I get to his office and he has the whole thing set up. He even had gluten free food brought in for me, and the attendee’s are all local not-for-profit founders. When we get up from the conference table to eat, he tells everyone that the guest of honor should go first, and I turn about five shades of “I am absolutely dying” red. The breakfast was a huge success in the fact that I left with even more contacts and more meetings set up.

This Table Seat No Less Than 16 people, Easily 24

A few days later he emails me and tells me that he took the liberty of ordering me some business cards, which neato, was super nice of him.

Goodness, I Incited A Riot

Wow, simmer down people, simmer down. I see that yesterday’s blog post was not taken as jokingly as I would have expected, judging by how fast my email inbox filled up with angry emails scolding me for having a physical attribute requirement for my date. Yikes!!

Ok, everyone take a deep breath. Are we breathing? Everyone breathing? Anyone need a glass of ice water? A damp rag? Anyone need to lie down? Medics? Do we need medics?

Alright then, let’s get down to business. Clearly, there needs to be a sarcasm font.

The previous post stemmed from a conversation that I had with, of all people, my nutcase neighbor about a year ago. I was on a break with the guy that I was dating at the time, and she was strongly urging me to join a dating website. I remember telling her “Oh, and what is it going to say? Single mother of two with no career, no money, a crazy ex husband, and the worst in-laws ever, is seeking a boyfriend? Why don’t I just stamp a label on my head that says ‘Send me all your losers.’ ”

Boyfriend Application

So, I’ve been thinking (scary, I know). As much fun as I’ve had with this whole serial dater thing I’ve had going on, I think it might be time to try out an actual relationship. I finally feel like I am at a point where I know who I am, what I deserve, what I expect, what I want and need, and I feel strong enough to walk away when I’m not getting it. I also know, for once in my life, not only what I can reasonably offer to someone, but also what I want to offer to someone. I know where my boundary lines are. So all of this got me thinking, if I were to put out a personal ad looking for a boyfriend, what do you think it might look like? Possibly something along the lines of this?

Recovered emotional wreck seeking stable relationship with normal man. Must meet several criteria:

All applicants must be between the ages of 30 and 39 years old, be at least six feet tall, and have amazing teeth. All other physical attributes will be judged on a case by case basis. Applicants must not live with their mother or ex girlfriend as a roommate. Applicants must be gainfully employed. No applications with criminal histories will be processed. Applications will also be denied if there is a history of extreme debt, crazy families, or ownership of fish tanks.

Once your application has been approved, the applicant will begin a trial period where as a series of tests will be presented to him before he is allowed to move on to a more permanent position.

Examples of said tests include the following:

Nothing More Than A Burden

These last two years have put me through so many life changing emotions that when I sit back and think about it, it feels unreal.

The biggest emotion that I have been struggling with, as you guys have seen here in previous posts, has been making myself a priority. I've still really been struggling with that one, even more so since the surgery. My friends are awesome, can I just say that? They rock my world. After the surgery when I finally told everyone that "surprise, I let a doctor break my face," they came through big time. They came with groceries and meals, they came over to help out with the after the kids came back, they brought balloons, books, stuffed animals, and even sent a fruit basket from Florida!

As much as it made my heart swell with feeling loved, it also made my heart feel very heavy.

When I wrote the post about not making myself a priority, all of you had amazing insight into how allowing others to help me, not only helped me, but how it was also good for the "helper" as well. I totally understand that, because on all of the missions trips I have been on, I know how soothing it is for the soul to be able to help someone else. I've never once thought "Oh this is great, look at me, I'm being so helpful and Christian like." No, I've always been grateful that I was given the opportunity to help someone. It felt good that I was able to give someone what they needed. Yet even now, I still have a hard time applying that to my own life when other's try and help me. Even now, when I finally understand and accept that I do deserve help, it still doesn't feel right.

So with all the time I had to sit around being trapped in my head after surgery, I decided to explore that feeling a bit. You see, I do have a healthy sense of self esteem, and it has honestly been one of the biggest blessings in my life. I do think I am a good person. I do think I am funny. I do think I am pretty. I do think I am smart. I do think that the world is a better place because I am here. As self inflating as that sounds, it's really not. It's healthy. I'm not saying that I am funnier, prettier, or smarter than anyone else, I'm just saying that I believe I am funny, pretty, and smart enough for myself. I am all of those things in quantities that are enough to make me happy, and I am happy that I can see that coming from what I have. On top of that, like I said, I have finally accepted that I do deserve good things in life.

So why then, if I feel good about who I am, and I love myself enough to understand that its ok to be a priority, is it still so hard for me to accept help?

It finally dawned on me, that it when it comes to other people, I'm afraid that if I let myself become a priority to them, that I will also become a burden, and that they will leave me because of it.

Things That Just Make You Ask "Why?" Part 3

It's that time again, time for another edition of "Things that just make you ask, why?" As usual, courtesy of my camera phone.

Why do I live in a place where the roads disappear in the winter?

In the summer, I took this picture of the road right outside of my house

And to be honest, I'm not even sure the road is there anymore.

Why do I live somewhere, where your neighbor's car disappears by morning?

Why are my neighbors so totally awesome, that even though the association will plow my driveway overnight, they hurry up and shovel so that when I get home from work, I won't have to get the kids out of my car in the snow?

Standing in my garage, looking at the only shoveled driveway around.

Why can I not figure out how this happened? It is a one way road, with a large median dividing the traffic on the other side. How did the mail truck turn almost backwards and drive up a hill?

Why drive a whole car when half a car works just fine?

Why don't you want us touching the TV? Because it might disintegrate due to old age?

This is the doctor's office you get to go to when you have no health insurance.

Why spend the money on chair rail when economy baseboard can be stapled to the wall for the same effect?

In The Two Years Since You Left

Feb 11th, 2014


Dear ex husband,

Its been two years since I watched you walk out of my house, never once looking back at the faces pressed against the window. It's been two years since you left me as an only parent, with no job, no support, no help, and no hope. It's been two years since I first explained to your daughter that you weren't coming back. It's been two years since I first sat staring at the face of my son, wondering how I would ever raise a boy alone. Its been two years. Two amazing years.

So let me fill you in a little bit on what has gone on since you have last seen your family. As you remember, two years ago I was a stay at home mom. When you were gracious enough to not take my car keys to work, I spent my days running our three year old to ballet and music class, and our seven month old to Gymboree. When you decided that we were not allowed to leave the house and you took my car keys with you, we spent the days snuggling on the couch, reading books, and dreading your arrival home.

As you also remember, when you would come home from work, the horrors would begin. I tried my hardest to learn all the lessons that you thought I needed to learn, but as you remember, I was never a good student. The harder I tried, the more I seemed to fail. I know you wanted me to be a better housekeeper and a better cook, I know I never lived up to the standards you had set for me, and as you remember, I felt awful. I know that I never folded the laundry right or vacuumed enough, but I tried. I know that I didn't do a great job of making you feel like a man in bed, but you scared me. I wasn't all that grateful when you allowed me to eat, and I know that made you livid. I know you wanted me to understand how lucky I was to have you, and that I should be thankful that you let me live. I know that you got frustrated when I didn't understand how blessed I was that you put up with me, and as much as you tried to beat those lessons into me, I still never got it right the next time around. I tried to listen to what you were telling me, but it was all so much to comprehend.

Some of what you taught me did sink in though. By the time you left, there were quite a few lessons that I had learned. I knew I was worthless. I knew that no one saw any good in me and that I probably had no potential. I knew that I was ugly, unattractive, and bad in bed. I knew that I had no right to be happy. I knew that I would probably fail our children, just as I had failed you. I knew, that just as you promised me when you walked out the door, that my life was over.

But two years is a long time. Two years gave me time to learn some new lessons, things that you never taught me. So just as I tried so hard to learn what you were teaching me, I want to return the favor and share some of what I have learned with you.

First of all, you could have utilized me a little more than you did. There was a lot of potential in me that you left under utilized. Example? I could have made you happy. If you had even contained one ounce of humanity in you, you could have seen how hard I tried to please you. You would have looked at the face of your wife, seen how hard she was working to make you happy, and maybe you could have learned a lesson or two.

I learned that I wasn't worthless. I am smart, driven, and determined. I could have taken our family somewhere. I may have failed you, but my track record since you have left has been pretty damn good. When I set my mind to something, it gets done. If you had trusted me a little more, or even at all, we probably would have gone a lot further in life than where we were at. All those years where you barely supported us and wouldn't allow me to have any say in our finances, were a waste on your part. You left me with nothing, not even a dollar, and I built a business, founded a not-for-profit, and started a blog. All those years that you trashed my credit, didn't pay our bills, and racked up $12,000 on my credit cards the week you left, you were the one who didn't know what he was doing. With no job, and no family support, it only took me 18 months to pay off the debt, refinance the house, and bring my credit score up to 850. What was your excuse?

Another thing I learned? I am a good mother. Our kids are not only growing, but they are thriving. They are smart, they are funny, and they show compassion that is well beyond their years. You know who taught them that? Me. I did. I am not the failure of a mother that you thought I was. All the times that you told me you felt sorry that they were stuck with a mother like me, you weren't giving me enough credit. I don't care that I had no example's to learn from, they are turning out to be amazing children, and that in itself just goes to show that I was meant to be a mother. I was meant to be their mother and you were wrong.

Did you know I teach a strip dance class now? I'm not as ugly as you constantly told me I was, and let me tell you, I'm not as bad in bed as you would have liked me to believe. In fact, I can tell you from experience, you were the one that had no idea what they were doing. Is that why you had to force me all those years? To exert your power over me? I think you were just trying to make up for what you lacked. Just because you were bigger and stronger than me, and could make my body do things it didn't want to do, did not make you a man. It made you pathetic and disgusting.

You know what else I learned? I learned that I am a good person and that people do see that. You told me that the only person who would ever love me, was you. I hate to break it to you baby, but I don't think you knew what love was. Being loved is when people do things for you just because they want too, just because they know you need it. Love is when someone cares about how you feel and when they want you to feel good. Love is when someone has your best interest in mind. I think you may have confused the meaning of love, with selfishness.

In these two years, I have also come to realize that I am a worthy human being. I am worth something. I have feelings, desires, hopes, dreams, and I'm allowed to have those. You were not allowed to tell me how I should feel, but you were right, sometimes I was stupid. I was stupid to ever have allowed you to tell me how to feel.

You were wrong about a lot baby. You thought I was weak and helpless, but I'm not. I am strong. I am stronger than a lot of people, and most importantly, I am stronger than you. I am not helpless, you were. You had everything and you built nothing. I had nothing and I've built everything.

The kids and I? We are a family now, a real family. Our home is filled, for the first time, with real laughter. It is a home filled with love, real love. The kind of love that makes your heart swell with happiness. Its been two years since you threw away your kids, and in those two years, I have realized how much better they are going to turn out without you. I will raise our boy into a man, and it will be the kind of man he should be, not the kind of "man" you would have broken him into, destroying all of his potential, and effectively ruining his life. I will raise our daughter to understand how the world should treat her, and I will base everything I teach her off of the lessons that I failed to learn from you.

I'm sorry, but even now I continue to fail the lessons that you tried to teach me. You didn't want me to be happy and you reminded me every chance you got that I didn't deserve to be happy, but somehow, happiness snuck up on me. I realized the other day that I am happy. I think this is the happiest I have ever been. As I sat there pondering this thought, I realized that even though life is about the journey and not about the destination, that I am there. I am where I always thought the goal would be. I am happy, really, truly, happy. Sure, you left me with a lot of baggage to sort out, but while I'm working on it, I'm smiling.

I know how hard you tried to get me to understand who I was, what qualities I possessed, and how I should be treated. I know that I was a slow learner, but I hope you are happy to hear, I have finally figured it out. I know who I am now. I know what qualities I possess and I know how I should be treated. I finally learned baby!

It's been two years since you threw us away, and it has been 1 year, three hundred and sixty four days since my life began.

During the course of our marriage, I may have failed every lesson that you ever tried to teach me, but in the one year, three hundred and sixty four days that came after you left, I have learned so much more.

I am strong, I am smart, I am not a failure, and I never failed you. Your expectations of me, were unrealistic. I am a worthy human being, and I'm sorry that you never saw that, because I am amazing. I could have been your best friend. I could have made you happy. I could have given you a great life, but you chose to break me instead.

I will say though, there is one thing you were always right about.

I didn't deserve you.

Happy two years baby. It's been a blast.

Sincerely,

The Wife You Left Behind

Randomness

Today's post is sort of just a bunch of randomness.

First off, I was thinking it would be fun if you all wanted to do a little shameless self promotion. I know that a lot of you are bloggers yourself, and I know how hard it is to get readers. I also know it's bad blogging etiquette to self promote in the comments, but here's your chance! Have at it people. I think it would be fun to see what everyone else is writing about. Feel free to post your link and a description in the comments section below. You may also post websites you own, flickr accounts, emails if you want to connect with others, facebook or google plus accounts, whatever floats your boat. Please do not post anything offensive, anything of an overly adult nature, anything that might incite a blogging riot, or I will have to delete it. Love you! Except for the person that keeps spamming my site with Dr. Udo's love potion. I don't love you and you can just go away.

Secondly, what is on your mind? Yes, YOU. I literally sit down in front of my computer, whatever is on my mind falls out onto the screen, and 20 minutes later boom, that's what you are all reading for the day. But I'm interested in what you are struggling with. Are there any topics that you would like to see covered? I might not have any helpful tips, but someone on here might, so I wouldn't mind writing about things that you would like to see, and hope for some really good feedback from others in the comments section. Now let me also throw out there, that just by the sheer volume of readers that are here, it might be impossible to cover every idea thrown at me, so don't get offended if I can't write about them all. I'm guessing though that there might be a lot of over lapping idea's.

Thirdly, (is that even a word? I dunno) what do you enjoy reading? Do you like the heavy hitter emotional pieces? Do you like the humor? What do you want to see more or less of? Point me in the right direction people!

Fourthly (definitely not a word), I see in the comments section a lot of people commenting that they have bookmarked the blog. I love it! I just wanted to let you know, if it is easier for you, you can subscribe to the blog on the right hand side, and you will get an email every time I post. It really makes no difference to me whether you just keep checking the blog or subscribe, I don't run ads on here or anything where they need to see subscribers, I'm just pointing out that nifty little feature in case you didn't know about it. I've subscribed myself just to make sure that the emails are being sent out, and I can assure you I get no emails other than the blog posts.

On My Way To Homelessness

Today is not a day that I feel ok.

I'm sorry I didn't respond back to you guys yesterday, you all know that I'm usually pretty on top of my responses, but today, and yesterday, I'm just not feeling ok.

In reference to my last post "Yesterday I Flipped The F**k Out," well at least I'm not angry anymore. I just haven't been able to shake the funk that it put me in. I have a big-ish meeting on Friday for my not-for-profit, and I don't even really know what to say when I get there now based on some things that the social worker told me. I really felt like that was the one thing that was going right for me, and now its come to a slamming halt. I'm not really sure how I'm going to salvage it.

On top of it, you know that guy that "cared so much," and wanted to talk to me when I was upset? I finally did return his call and tell him what was going on. Told him about the rape, the social worker, and how I didn't know what to do. His response? "You are not alone in this."

The next day I didn't really hear from him. I knew something was up, but I'm not one to chase a boy so I let it go. Then last night, I got the call. "This isn't about you, its about me, I just think that with your issues and my life, it might be a little too much stress for both of us." Funny, it wasn't too much stress when he had issues and texted me all upset and angry about his ex wives (yes, two), but my issues? That's too much. This is why I don't let myself get attached to people, why I don't open up. I just keep getting burned. He actually asked if he could call me in a couple months when "things settle down." Like not in a patronizing, "Oh, I'll call you," kind of way where he never intends to call. Like a legitimate "can I please call you in two months" kind of way. Oh sure. When my problems go away and you can just get the good parts of me, then sure, come on back! Hell. Fucking. No. You go from kind of creeping me out bc you are playing my voice mails for your mother and telling your entire family about how awesome I am, to hearing one currently unsettling issue and bailing overnight.

Yesterday I Flipped The F**k Out

*Warning, there is a lot of swearing in this post* Please also note, my children were at daycare. Thought that was important to throw in there....

I flipped out yesterday. No, I didn't just flip out, I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so angry in my entire life. This was the first time I have ever gotten truly angry over something that had put me in the "victim" category. I don't usually get angry. I am usually able to look and feel past the anger and admit to whatever feeling caused me to feel angry in the first place (remember the post about anger being a powerful secondary defensive emotion to a primary feeling?). I usually have no problem admitting to whatever vulnerable and hurt feeling I am experiencing, and therefore avoiding the feeling of anger altogether.

I think the last time I reacted in anger was when I finally put my ex mother in law in her place, and it had taken me twelve years to finally get to that point.  Other than that, I can't even remember the last time I have really gotten angry. I can't even remember the last time I've raised my voice, not even in the typical "mom is frustrated and angry at her misbehaving children" kind of way.

I made it through my hellish childhood into adulthood without killing either of my parents. Be proud. I managed to respectfully disown them without flipping out. My husband walked away from me and nonchalantly cast my children out of his life, and still I never raised my voice at him. I pretty much just cowered away from him court. Hell I even nicely packed up all his belongings when he left, and put them outside when he asked me too. I made it through the torment that my brothers rained down upon me when I disowned my parents without freaking out. When one brother told me to go drown (kill) myself  and do the family a favor, I decided that the last words I would ever speak to him would come from a place of love.

Note the date, its been almost exactly a year since I lost my siblings. And yes, I used the wrong "your."

When the man after my ex, the man that I thought I would be with forever, told me that my kids and I had been thrown out like trash and he wasn't going to be the garbage man that picked us up, and then proceeded to moved out of my house the night before my 30th birthday, I freaked out and made some crazy phone call to my attorney trying to figure out what to do as he moved his, and my, belongings out of my house, yet I never raised my voice towards this man. Heck, even after the two nutcase neighbors threatened to run me over with their car when I had the audacity to ask them about the money they owe me, I still shoveled their driveway. I have a very long history of being able to control my temper, probably because I really don't have a temper. Until yesterday that is. Yesterday, I lost it. I lost my fucking mind.

Dates Where I Was On My Worst Behavior

As you have probably noticed, I have been on a lot of weird dates. Remember Sparkles? I do. Unfortunately. So in all fairness to the fallen soldiers that have attempted to date me, I figured it would only be fair if I shared some of the stories that the guys are probably sharing about me. Because really, have you been reading along here? I am far from normal myself.

So, since I am a confident and rarely embarrassed version of a single woman, I am not afraid to point out that sometimes I can be a pretty horrible and inexcusably awkward human being myself. Therefore, I bring you:

Tales Of Dating An Insane Woman: Dates Where I Was On My Worst Behavior

I tend to date a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. I usually have at least three or four boys on the "rotation," giving all of them explicit instructions that I am not looking to settle down and encouraging them to date other people. You should see their faces. "So what are we," they usually ask. "We are fun. That's what we are buddy. Fun." They are usually unamused. Why do they seem so surprised? I told them before our first date that I was not looking for a relationship, that I am, and will continue, to see other people, that I encourage them to do the same, and that I am not sleeping with them or anyone else.

Now seriously, who in their right mind would proceed into that mess? Let me tell you, a lot more than you would think. I have literally had this conversation several times before: "Well I'm busy tonight, but why don't you take out that other girl that you were talking about and maybe we can meet up tomorrow." You know what that is? That is ABNORMAL. That's what that is right there. Abnormality at its finest.

Unfortunately, boys catch feelings a lot faster than I usually expect. Inevitably at some point, they want me to meet their families and label me "the girlfriend," and then because I am a recovering emotional mess, I break it off completely.

But before that happens, stuff like this happens.