I Have A Dream (That I'll Think About Tomorrow)

Several years ago, shortly after I started writing this blog, I started writing a book. Initially my plan was to follow the course that many authors hope to follow, which would be to get picked up by an agent, sign with a publisher, and release the book “the old fashioned way.”

But then life got crazy, as life tends to do, and the enormity of the work I was doing to overcome more trauma than I even realized I had, led me to blogging here more often than book writing. I spent my days pouring my emotions out into the pages of this blog and reflecting a lot on my past, and even though I had every intention of writing the book, I just (constantly) figured that I would get to it tomorrow.

Over the course of the next year, I started the nonprofit, continued to work myself into an online writing career, and kept up with the blog, but "tomorrow" never seemed to come when it came to finishing the book. The kids had health issues, money was tight, stress was high, and the idea of working on anything that didn’t involve our immediate survival, seemed unnecessary.

I told myself that I would get to the book when life calmed down, and I pushed the idea out of my mind.

Eventually I began to think that maybe going the traditional route of writing a book “the old fashioned way,” wasn’t really what I wanted to do, and that maybe an ebook would be the way to go. It would allow me to work at my own pace, be my own critic, write exactly what I wanted to write, and above all else, it seemed easier.

I like easy. I’m a big fan of the easy route.

So I wrote most of the book, edited it a lot, and when I was just about done, I realized something…

I didn’t like it.

To My Beautiful Daughter

I woke up as a flurry of excitement scrambled across my groggy body and then jumped up to stand over me. “Mom!” The Boy Child exclaimed. “Look at me! Look at my legs! Look at my arms!” he said, thrusting his arms in front of my face. “They are bigger, because I grew last night! I’m five today!!”

And he was.

Last month, both of my kids had birthdays. The Boy Child turned five, The Girl Child turned eight, and I cried, because as The Boy Child reminded me, “mommy, you don’t have any babies anymore!”

And he is right.

I don’t.

Neither of them are babies anymore, and from the length of their limbs to their ability to have a logical debate (read: argument) with me, I am constantly reminded of the independent people that they are becoming. People that are growing up before my very eyes, and beginning to distance themselves from the very life-saving tasks that they once relied on me to provide for them on a constant basis.

On one hand it makes me incredibly proud to look at them and know that I gave them life; that I provided well enough to sustain those lives, and that they will go on to lead their own lives that will hopefully make a positive impact on the world around them.

But of course the mommy in me wants to stop the world from turning so fast and take the time to just be. Just be with them and around them, and enjoy the moments that are passing before my eyes faster than I seem to be able to take them all in.

But I can’t do that, and so here I find myself, hanging on tightly for the ride of my life, and praying to God that wherever we are going, that it will all turn out alright.

And as I’ve done since before they were born, I sat down to write them a weekly letter to add to their books; a book of letters that I someday hope to pass onto them when the time seems right. A book that will share with them some very personal insights into how it was to raise them, love them, giggle with them, snuggle them, hurt with and for them, often fail in my parenting skills, and always, always cheer them on.

It's the book of our lives and the letters in our moments.

Venting (Sorry)

As some of you probably know from Facebook, The Girl Child has had a bit of a rough week and a half.

Because of that, I'm a little bit exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment, but I didn't want to completely neglect you, so if you haven't been on my Facebook, check out these two articles of mine that ran on Huffington Post and Babble. I'll be the first to admit that some of what I write can be a bit of a mindless time filler, but I'm actually really pleased with the way both of these articles turned out.

A Letter To My Fatherless Daughter

My Husband Abandoned Our Family, And The Hardest Part Was Dealing With What Everyone Else Had To Say About It

Aside from that, if I may, I'm going to vent for a minute. And sure, once I'm a little more rested and thinking a bit more clearly, maybe I'll regret this, but not today. Today I'm angry and feel like venting, so that's what is going to happen!!

**WARNING, IF YOU DON'T LIKE TO HEAR PEOPLE COMPLAIN, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE NOW**

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Have you all heard of the website "Talking Parents?" It's kind of like if Facebook messenger and email had a baby, you would get Talking Parents. The website serves as a communication mode for parents going through a court case. It allows parents to chat back and forth like Facebook messenger, and it records when each parent logged in and when each message was read. You can upload attachments such as bills, right into the system for the other parent to view, and then you have proof when they viewed them. Best yet the messages cannot be changed or tampered with, so when you go to court you can actually print a complete record of everything that was said and when things were read. (Promise this is not a paid advertisement. Although if any of you work for Talking Parents... I'd be willing to accept some compensation lol.)

At my last court date I requested that the judge order all communication with my ex to be done through Talking Parents, so I would have proof that my ex ignores me and all my attempts to work amicably with him on things such as bills, child support, and anything else that may arise.

It was granted, my ex and I signed up, and THE IDIOT HAS NOT FAILED TO SHOW HIS IDIOCRACY.

Straight From The Mouths Of The Little People I Live With

As usual, things have not "normalized" around here, meaning that my kids are just as weird as ever. I mean I can't blame them since they have me as their mother, but still, I'm pretty strange, so if I'm constantly being caught off guard by how strange my kids are... well then that's saying something.

Nothing to see here people, move along.

Sorry folks, I don't have normal kids. I just don't.

And to further prove my point, allow me to present to you, exhibits Sunday-Saturday:

Sunday:

The Boy Child, after stepping directly into a wet spot on the carpet that I had just cleaned with a heavy duty carpet cleaning solution, looked a little startled and then assured me "don't worry mom, it didn't burn the shit out of me like you said if would if I touched it."

He then ran off to watch the breakfast cookies bake while I pondered my parenting failures.

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Part Three Of The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

If you remember from the last part of this unique three-part-post, I had been struggling to get comfortable with the very close relationship that the guy I'm dating, has with a female friend. Where we left off, The Guy had come to the realization that maybe the relationship he had with this female friend, was not as platonic as he had previously thought. Attempting to rectify the situation, he took it upon himself to email her (cringe!) without my knowledge, and tell her that he needed to redefine the boundaries of their friendship. 

If you have not yet read parts one and two, I suggest you read those first! You can find Part One here, and Part Two here.

As for the rest of you, enjoy the conclusion!

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

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Her response to his email was quick, and it was brutal.

Part Two Of The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

If you remember from the previous part of this unique three-part-post, I had been struggling to get comfortable with the very close relationship that the guy I'm dating, has with a female friend. Where we left off, I was having a difficult time balancing my genuine concerns over the closeness of their relationship, with my guilt that maybe the cheating ways of the previous men in my life might be the only reason I felt suspicious that something might be going on.

If you haven't yet read Part One, you can find that by clicking here.

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So there we were, him wanting to know what he could do to ease my mind, and me not even sure what I should be worried about.

I’m sure that at this point you must be envisioning some huge, drama filled situation that plagued us heavily on a daily basis, but I promise you it wasn’t like that. It was more like a constant yet almost inaudible level of annoyance, that was still very much there, and would occasionally turn the volume up until we paid it some attention.

But that still doesn’t mean that it ever went away.

Then, several weeks ago, The Guy, the kids, and I were at a park. The Boy Child quickly struck up a friendship with another boy his age, and while watching them play, I struck up a conversation with the child’s dad. We chit-chatted about whatever it is that people talk about while making small talk over the sandbox, and then The Girl Child came running over to me with gum stuck to her arm. Being very aware that she had not been chewing gum, I gagged a little bit and the boy’s dad quickly fished an antibacterial wipe out of his FANNY PACK so that I could clean The Girl Child off.

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

“I’ll forward them to you” he said, and in response, my entire body cringed. You see, I’d been dating this guy for a while now, and he had just told his best female friend that he couldn’t speak to her anymore, because of me. She reacted with a string of very pleasant emails that called me everything from a psycho bitch to a complete mental case. She told him that he needed to break up with me, and was livid that he wasn’t defending her. And by livid, I mean she said “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.”

So basically, it was a lot of fun.

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Now let me back up for a minute and say that yes, I’ve been seeing someone. I waiver back and forth between discussing it on here, and not discussing it on here, and I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel like I’ve displayed so much of my dating life online, that I’m feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. You’ve watched me go on good dates, and horrible dates, you’ve seen me fend off creepy men that I wasn’t at all interested in, you’ve seen me start to fall for people, and you’ve seen me get my heart broken when it didn’t work out. You’ve watched me break a few hearts, and you’ve seen me struggle to date while trying to find the balance that still puts my kids first. You’ve also watched me try and figure out if monogamy or polyamory was for me, and you saw that I landed somewhere undecided.

I’ve basically bared everything from the inside of my heart to the inside of my bedroom, and I don’t know… I guess I’m just feeling a little shy this time around because I’ve already eaten so much dirt while the whole world has watched, that I'm a little full of dirt at the moment.

So to be vague and yet somewhat concrete, yes, at this point I am seeing someone monogamously. Where this will end up, I really couldn’t say. We aren’t living together or anything like that. There is no secret engagement, my kids aren’t calling him daddy, he isn’t paying any of my bills, but we are together. We have been taking things at a snail’s pace (there are kids involved here!) and how this proceeds from there, only time will tell. But as I said, I’m just feeling a little vulnerable these days, and honestly I’m not sure how many more times I can have my heart broken and still find a positive spin on it while I put myself back together. I think, at this point, that I’d almost rather grieve the loss of another relationship privately if it were to come to that, and I hope that you can all respect that. So until I’m a little surer of the unsure, vague it is.

But what I will say, is that so far things seem to be going well… and that is much to the dismay of his close female friend, whose emails were the ones he was forwarding to me.

Allow me set the stage for you:

Shortly after I started dating this guy — who we will now refer to as The Guy (I know, I’ve gotten so creative with these names lately, haven’t I?) — I learned that he had a very close female friend. Aaaannnddd… I’m not going to lie; my radar signals went up. He hadn’t given me any reason to suspect anything and I’d like to think that I’m mature enough and secure enough to handle my man having a close female friend…. but let’s just say that I’m not always that mature.