I Got Into A Physical Fight With My New Husband

I woke up kicking him and shoving him away from me.

“Eden, it’s me! It’s just me, and you’re safe. You are safe, wake up!”

The voice, it sounded familiar.

It was Friday night, or rather, now early Saturday morning. The Guy and I were unwinding after the kids had gone to bed, by watching a movie and having a drink. We weren’t drinking excessively — not even close — but I was tired, and so was he, and at some point we had both fallen asleep in a pile of pillows that we had been using to cushion the floor; which was a much better option than our ridiculously uncomfortable sofa.

When the TV shut itself off and The Guy awoke just after 2am and realized what time it was, he gently shook me by the shoulders and tried to wake me up so that we could both make our way upstairs, and into a bed that would be much kinder to our backs than the floor was.

But my back was already screaming in pain, and I was disoriented just enough by the darkness of the room, my position on the floor, and a man leaning over me, that my half asleep, wine relaxed brain, didn’t immediately piece the entire scenario together.

Instead, it pulled what little information it knew, and it flashed me back to a time when I was 19, and I found myself groggy, in the dark, in pain, and with my ex-husband pushing my shoulders down into his futon.

And right then and there I "realized" that I was about to be raped again.

So I fought.

So This Is What It's Like To Be Married To Me

So I can't figure out why the alignment is all messed up in this post, and things are justified left, and right, and center, and I can't change it AND I GIVE UP.

Moving on...

I'm sorry again for my delay in posting. I swear I feel like I do more apologizing than writing here these days! After my fun little poisioning experience, I was sick for a solid week. Like no joke sick; blood pressure issues, heart rate issues, brain fog, stomach ache, headache, and everything hurt. After all the IV attempts where my veins kept collapsing, even my hands hurt too much to type.

But, I'm finally feeling better! I got up today, went to the gym, got some work done, and am happy to report that for the first day in a week, I didn't end up curled up in bed crying in pain. So, yay for progress.

And while I was taking some time to rest, I read an article in which a woman had posted ten texts between her and her husband, that she felt completely summed up her marriage. As a writer, I usually try to see how other works may be applicable to my own life... but this one killed me.

Because really, do you want to see what it's like to be married to me?

The Guy is gray, and I am blue

I'm not really sure what this says about us.

I Got To Ride In An Ambulance

Yesterday I was having lunch with a fellow nonprofit board member, and as I usually do, when the waitress came I asked if the restaurant had any gluten free options. To my excitement, they had a whole gluten free menu.

SCORE! 

Unfortunately when my burger came, my supposedly gluten free bun looked IDENTICAL to my friend's gluten one, so naturally I became suspicious. Wanting to confirm with the waitress, I asked her if mine was gluten free. When she paused and then said "uuuummmm...... yeeeeesssss. Yeeessss it issss," I became even more suspicious.

And did not want to touch that thing with a ten foot pole.

Deciding that I wanted a second opinion on this burger that may or may not contain gluten, my friend and I sat, and waited, and sat and waited, and then waited some more, until ANYONE at all would come to check on us so we could inquire about my now cold hamburger. When it got to the point that my friend was done eating and no one had come back to the table, and I suggested that maybe my friend dramatically fall out of his chair and throw himself to the floor so that we could get some attention, the manager walked by.

Looking at the burger, he said "oh no. No that is definitely not gluten free. I am so incredibly sorry and I will be right back."

He came back less than 30 seconds later, with the same burger.

"Sorry, the chef said that we use a company now that makes gluten free buns that look just like our regular buns."

Lie?

I thought so.

But feeling guilty that my friend, a busy attorney, had already been overly gracious about waiting with me through the whole charade, and having not eaten gluten in so long that the threat of actually dying from it seemed like a distant memory, I decided to eat the damn burger.

Bad idea.

This is me messaging my husband two hours later.

The Lies My Ex Spews (And Why We Shouldn't Do Drugs)

A couple of weeks ago, I had court again with my ex. We were there for the ongoing saga that is the child support issue, and thank you Lord, when I got there, BEST DAY EVER.

My regular judge was on vacation.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

And the stand-in judge looked like he needed about a gallon of coffee and a few grams of something illegal just to stay away for the next twenty minutes.

Basically, I loved that judge.

Unfortunately for me, before I even got the chance to have my case heard by this new, amazingly awesome judge, my ex asked Mr. Attorney Man if he could speak to me in the hall.

"Sure, why not," I said. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong in that situation (besides of course, everything).

I'd like to say that I agreed to do it because I had suddenly adopted some primal warrior attitude that was giving me the bravery I had previously lacked, but I'd be totally lying. Rather, that morning I was feeling rather stoic about the whole thing. I hadn’t been scared to walk into the court room, but I honestly think it's because my ex has dragged me through so much over the last few years, that I have begun to feel almost numb as of late. Abuse, rape, infidelity, lies, addiction, financial ruin, abandonment, hurt children, stalking, new wives, new children, and a never-ending court process, has all lead me to a place where I just feel numb to his destruction of me.

I really don’t think there are many more ways that he can hurt me. 

So into the hallway I went, where he began to spew his lies and play his victim card, and in turn, forget "stoic," because I instantly felt like my head was going to explode.

Photo Courtesy Of Giphy.com

“You took out a car insurance policy on my car, and when you got into an accident, my rates went up!” he hissed.

It was then that I made the snap decision that rather than physically attack his lying ass and get myself thrown in jail, I would take the high road...

... and passive aggressively chat with him.

Marriage Is Great, And We Are Already In Counseling

Do you guys remember the post "My Christmas Tree Might Actually Fall Over," in which I threw out the big tree that I had once shared with my ex, and in an attempt to embrace our new life as a family of three, bought the only tree that my measly budget could afford?

This year, The Guy and I decided to keep that tree, and use it as our one and only. No expensive, six foot tall tree could replace three and a half feet of cheap plastic, that has always had pride and strength hanging from its branches.

So this year, I got to watch my husband put up the tree that symbolized my new life as a family of three, which has now grown to a family of four, and through it all, I watched my past continue to intertwine itself with my future.

It felt amazing.

Now that the dust has settled a bit on my surprise marriage, everyone keeps asking me the universal standard "First Year of Marriage Question," which if you were unaware, is "Sooooooo, how is married life?"

And it's funny, because it almost makes me wonder if there are people who really answer "it sucks. Honestly, I wish I had never done it. I'm like a week in and I already have one foot out the door and another stepping into the grave."

Because there would be nothing awkward about that... 

But since I'm always never awkward, I end up giving nifty little answers such as "it's great, except that I keep forgetting he lives with me now. Like he is there. All. The. Time."

Let's Take A Minute To Look At Some Pictures Of Ferrets

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers!! And... Happy November to everyone else! I hope that you all had an AMAZING day! We spent the evening with my Platonic Hubby's family. It was really nice to be able to spend my first married holiday with both my new hubby, and the Platonic Hubby (friend) who has been my side kick for so long. I feel very lucky that The Guy understands that although his family is blood related, that the family I've built for myself is still every bit as much my "family," as his blood relatives are to him.

"Oh my gosh Eden, why are you showing your face now!!??"

He Could Have Killed Me (But Thankfully He Didn't, So Here's A Funny Story)

“There is absolutely no way that all these cars are here for voting,” I thought to myself as I tried to pull into the parking lot of my local polling station. Cars were lined up and down the streets, and when I say that “I tried to pull into the parking lot,” I mean that I tried, and really couldn’t, because someone had parked their mini van IN the one-way entrance to the building.

Photo Credit Courtesy of Giphy.com

I was so annoyed by this person’s obvious lack of respect for anyone but themselves, that I actually thought about keying their van.

Thankfully I am not crazy, nor a criminal, so I did not.

I did however, stand for TWO HOURS in the early voting line, and spent much of my time watching car after car attempt to pull into the lot, only to be blocked by the majesty’s royal carriage. Finally, a city employee came up and began asking if anyone in line owned the silver dodge caravan that was parked in the entrance.

A woman, who was at the absolute front of the line, began to ask a series of suspicious questions.

There's Something I Need To Tell You (Part Two)

If you haven't read Part One of this post, I highly, highly suggest clicking here and doing so first, as this is the second half of a story that really needs the first half in order to make sense!

If that just seems like much too much work, the super quick synopsis is that shortly after my ex left, another man came into my life and "married" me in a wedding that was not even legal.

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A week later, after he had “married" me, he moved in; something that he had wanted to do for a really long time, and something that I had been very resistant to since we hadn't been married. Yet upon his arrival as my co-dweller, to my horror, he proclaimed that he wouldn’t be paying any bills, or helping to clean (since it was my house and not his), that I would be doing most of the cooking since I was his wife, and that although he was excited to start working on fathering another "genetic offspring," that he would no longer be helping to raise my kids since they weren't his.

And I, maybe for the first time, truly found my voice, when I put my foot down and said “no.”

The next night, while I was at work, I got a call from my babysitter who was concerned because The Helper was “moving a lot of stuff out of your house.” I raced home to find him loading his car with not only his belongings, but also mine, my children’s, and the wedding gifts that we had received the week before.

I fell to the grass on my knees and begged him not to go.

It’s one of the most shameful moments of my life, and one that haunted my dreams for years to come; the moment I graveled at the feet of the man who had been scamming me.

There's Something I Need To Tell You

**********

“Um… hey. So I know this is a weird question but do you know a good divorce attorney? Did you like whoever you used?” was basically the Facebook message that I was sending a former friend’s, former boyfriend.

I say “former friend,” because life had been drifting us apart until new babies and new jobs had widened the gap far enough, that although on good terms, we hadn’t spoken in several years. And I say former boyfriend because he was her ex.

He was also the only divorced person I knew at the time, and my ex had just left.

Messaging me back only a few minutes later to ask what was going on, I was fairly brief but blunt about my situation, and what came next was what I can only describe as “overwhelmingly helpful.”

Within an hour he had set up consultations with several local attorneys, given me instructions on how to freeze my bank account, and offered to come over and talk me through a plan.

At this point my parents were the only other people who knew that my ex had left a week prior, and they weren’t too keen on doing anything other than waiting around to see if he came back. But I knew that not only was this my chance to finally “escape,"  but that I couldn’t wait any longer after some things that I had found out shortly after my ex left… and everything he had done that had led us to this point.

I needed to be free, but I was completely falling apart, and a week after my ex had left, I still had absolutely no idea what my first steps should be.

But this guy, “the Helper” if you will, well he knew exactly how to take care of the situation, and he wasn’t shy about stepping in to “help.” Repeatedly asking me if he could come over, calling me every hour to see how I was doing, and messaging me more information than I knew how to handle, it left me feeling both smothered and relieved at the same time.

I didn’t trust myself to do anything right after I had spent so many years living life where every decision that I had made turned out to be wrong, and suddenly when I was the most lost that I had ever been, here was someone who seemed to know what he was doing, and was going to make sure that this time, I was going to do everything “right.”

Looking back, I can see exactly what was going on, but back then, I was just too unaware. So when the Helper kept asking me if he could come over so we could talk about this in person, I said no as many times as I could before he eventually wore me down and I said “yes.” And when he offered to take a few days off work to watch my kids so that I could get some appointments lined up with social services and handle things with the bank, I said “yes” again, because I had no other help.

Several months later and before I even knew what was happening, the Helper had become completely ingrained into every single aspect of my life. He would come to my house directly after work, and sometimes stay through the weekend. If I had something come up and needed a babysitter, he would take the day off work. If I was tired and the baby was fussy, he would run errands for me so that I didn’t need to go. If something in the house needed fixing, he made it a priority to work on it in his very next free second.

But even though I was drowning in life, I spent most of that time attempting to resist his insisting assistance, yet I always gave in at the end because I was too tired to fight every battle that life seemed to keep throwing at me, and in all honesty, I did need the help. And at night when the sun went down and the lights went out, he would fill the room with his promises for our future, and the reasons why no one else had ever deserved me like he did.

Yet I never wavered from the fact that I did not want to date him.

No, I had repeatedly told him that I was not ready to date so quickly after my husband's departure, and that I was only looking for a friendship. And while I remained firm on my end, I could tell that to him, we just weren’t there “yet.”

...And Then A Squirrel Pooped On My Face

I'm not sure how many of you were around a few years ago, but back in 2014 I shared my horrific ridiculous tale of attempting to visit several pumpkin farms, with the goal of snapping the perfect fall photo of my kids.

#BackWhenIHadGoals

#BackWhenMyGoalsWereStupid

But if you do remember, it didn't go well.

AT ALL.

Unless of course by "going well," you mean needing to pry a bee out of the Platonic Husband's hair with a stick, nearly being run over by a horse, the kids falling into a burr bush, possible poison ivy, and a corn maze that involved a near rescue effort and the abandonment of clothing.

I lean towards the understanding that when you consider all of that, it means that it did not go well.

#TrustMeOnThis

#IWasThere

#IWishIHadn'tBeenThere

But two years later, the insanity crisp fall air began to set in and I had mostly forgotten about that near death experience adventure filled trip to the pumpkin farm, and I had a thought that sounded something like this: "Hey, wouldn't it be great to get some fall pictures of the kids at a pumpkin farm?"

#SomeoneStopMe

#NoOneDid

And thus I found myself trekking out to the pumpkin farm with my Platonic Hubby, (and her hubby, and my guy, and all our kids) so that we could take the world's most adorable pictures of our kids.

#UnrealisticExpectations

I Felt REALLY High

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Hey everyone!

I'm sorry it's been a little quiet around here. As many of you probably know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and as the founder of a DV organization, October tends to go by in a blur of awareness events, meetings, and speaking engagements, and this year has proved to be no exception!

In fact, I have a speaking engagement in less than two hours and I haven't even written my speech yet! I'm literally sitting in bed, in my underwear, writing this, because I felt bad leaving you all hanging for this long.

The Truth Will Set You Free

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A couple weeks ago on a Saturday night, I picked up the phone, and to my shock, horror, and surprise, there was a Facebook message from the woman that I believed my ex was cheating on me with during a portion of my marriage.

That would make her the woman that he was cheating with, before the woman that he was cheating with and left me for.

Does that make sense?

Hopefully, because we are moving on.

I almost hesitate to write about it because the timing of it coming right after my resolution to let go of the anger, most likely makes it seem completely staged, but it wasn’t. It really happened and if you care to stick around and hear about it, sweet deal, and if you don’t want to believe me, then you can mosey on along and it’s no sweat off my back.

But anyway, years ago when I was still married, my ex had everything electronic in our house on lock down. I couldn’t use the desktop computer without him unlocking it, he had his own laptop that I could never get into, and he had his phone locked and refused to ever let me use it.

Then, one night while I was sitting there nursing our son and paying some bills, I asked him to get my phone so that I could use the calculator. Being too lazy to actually get up and get it, he, for the first time ever, unlocked his phone and handed it to me.

Now everyone knows that the first time someone gives you access to something that you have been never been allowed to access before, that the smart thing to do would be to earn some trust by proving that you can be trusted, and not snoop.

Too bad I never do the “right” thing.

Another Round Of "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?"

I had so much fun writing the "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?" post during Christmas, that I decided to do another one. Are you guys OK with that? I just feel like I come across so many strange things for sale, that I really want the rest of you to agree laugh with me that you would never buy that are unsure of its purpose.

Like this for example

I mean... really? REALLY? Because when I see this toilet, I see two things in your future: A divorce, or a codependency diagnosis.

Seriously, don't get your wife a double toilet, get her the most romantic card that you can find, like this one that I saw on sale last Valentine's Day:

I really just have one issue with this card: Everyone knows that "shiv" is a noun and the verb should have been "to shank."

Don't get me this card mkay? The grammar would kill me.

I'm just sayin', if you're going to sell something, use your words to come up with the best sales pitch that you can think of, like this person that I saw selling a basket on a local sales site:

He's right. With all those possibilities, how could you not want to buy his ginormous basket?

And if he hasn't sold you, or the price was too high ($999 was a bit steep), maybe this lady will because her sales pitch, if anything else, is unique.

You had better hurry, there's only seven nasty ass drinks left!

But don't worry, if you happen to miss out on the free drinks, I have something that will still brighten your day! Do you hate washing dishes?

You Deserve Better Than Settling

“What you want, and what you are willing to do to get it, are drastically different things. You need to decide if you are simply just wanting, or if you are really, truly, willing. Because you can say all day long that you want something, or that you want to make a change, but unless you are willing — right now in this moment — to take the steps that are necessary for that change, then you are forever going to be left simply ‘wanting’.”

My nonprofit has such a long waiting list of clients right now, that they far exceed the services that we have available. So for now, a lot of our clients are meeting with me in what I’m calling “support sessions,” since I can’t legally counsel anyone (and they know that I’m not a licensed counselor, it’s fully disclosed, and they meet with me at their own risk). But it was last week in the middle of a session, when I found myself telling a client that they need to choose "willing" over simply just "wanting," when the hypocrisy of my words hit me in the face so hard that I was barely able to finish the session with her.

I am a hypocrite.

I'm So Angry!

Last week I was sitting in a left turn lane when a car attempted to pull out of a right-turn-only business exit, and make a left turn.

She didn’t make it.

She hit the back of my car, backed up, made a u-turn, and drove away. By the grace of God there were no other cars around, so I was able to make a legal u-turn and follow her to where she got stuck in traffic at a red light.

After snapping a picture of her license plate, I pulled into the lane next to her, beeped the horn, and motioned for her to pull over.

She laughed, basically flipped me off, and sped away.

Not wanting to kill myself while entering a high-speed chase down a very busy road, and unsure of what I would even do if I caught up with her (is it legal to run people off the road? I’m thinking probably not…), I simply pulled into the next business parking lot that I came across, and called the police.

The 911 dispatcher was all over it from the second she answered the phone. “What color was the SUV? Which direction was she traveling? What was the license plate number?” and within minutes an officer had pulled up next to me in the parking lot.

For the first time, I got out of the car to survey the damage she had done to my care, and I’m embarrassed to admit, it wasn’t much.

Whomp whomp.

They Just Never Stop Talking

I swear, my kids have been extra weird lately. Like not even the "typical" weird that I've gotten used to and come to expect, but a whole new level of weird that I was not even aware existed until recently.

Allow me to explain:

Sunday:

After catching sight of a male friend's hairy legs (it's finally shorts season!), I overheard The Boy Child asking his sister if she thought our friend was turning into a monster.

It's moments like this that cause me to realize what the lack of testosterone living in our house has done to The Boy Child.

#SorryKid

Monday:

I was putting my makeup on and very intently looking in the mirror, when The Boy Child came to the door and asked "Momma, will you put batteries in these?"

Turning to see what toys he was referring to, I was greeted by this:

Eight Months Later...

So... I just realized that it's been like EIGHT MONTHS since I did one of those "and this is what we've been up to" posts. 

What the hell Eden, pull it together! 

With that being said, I just went back through my photo files from the last few months and I'm here to update all of you in a fashion that can only be described as "overwhelming."

For that, I apologize.

I know that a lot of you were relying on me to describe the free or low cost activities that we attend so that you could look for similar things in your area, and I completely dropped the ball! For that I really am sorry. Life just kind of got away from me and I'm going to back up that explanation by taking you all the way back to December and showing you how we have spent our weekends.

We started out the holidays by attending a free local Winter Wonderland thing with my kids, The Guy, and My Platonic Hubby and her family...

Can I just take a moment to brag about how The Girl Child has not gotten THREE years out of this dress? I'm impressed.

Words I Never Thought I'd Say

So….

After I wrote the post where I talked about what a horrible human being my ex is and why he will probably burn eternally in hell and how I don’t like him, I realized something when I said that The Guy I have been dating, stepped up and took care of my kids while I sat in bed and cried my eyes out.

I realized that I owe him a lot more on this blog than just the dramatic trilogy detailing his crazy female friend who hates me, and I think it’s time to rectify that. Because what you don’t know, is that he has been around for over a year, and has been personally dealing with all the crazy stuff that you have seen me going through. And I have to admit, he's done a pretty swell job of holding me up every step of the way.

So why haven’t I told you that much about him?

Because it terrifies me to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. 

I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life when it comes to men. My friends and the people around me have watched me fall, and it hasn't been pretty, and it hasn't felt good. In the same way, I feel embarrassed that I’ve come on here before, all excited about someone I have been dating, only to have to come back and explain why it didn’t work out and that guy is now gone. I didn’t want to solidify another man into the pages of my safe space within this blog, that I thought I might one day want to rip from my memory.

"Maybe," I thought, "if I don’t really talk about it, it won’t be so real; because real hurts you know. When things get real, hearts get invested, and when that happens, you’ve just given someone the power to hurt you."

I don’t know how much more hurt I can take.

So here, and "in real life," I didn’t invest myself into him, not right away anyway. We dated, he asked me what we were, and I told him “humans.” The term “boyfriend,” well that’s too much pressure for me. You see labels create expectations and expectations turn into dreams and future plans and that was all just a little bit too much to handle. In my life, people leave, so let’s just not look at tomorrow, OK? Let’s just try to get through today.

He wasn’t thrilled, but he was willing to give me the time that I needed in the space that I required, and so off we went; day by day. But then suddenly all those days rolled into weeks which turned into months, and then a year, and now here we are.

Invested.

I Talked To My Ex's First "Wife," And I Got The Real Story Of The Man I Married

Like my creepy stalker eyes?

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Alrighty, well, I've had some time to let the shock of my ex husband's new life settle in, and I have to say that I'm feeling much better. I mean it wasn't as if I hadn't suspected it in the past (I knew he was still with the woman that he had been cheating on me with and often commented to my friends that it would be really strange if my kids had siblings), but it was just the confirmation of it all, the announcement that my kids do in fact have siblings (GASP), and the realization of depth of his manipulation that knocked the wind out of my lungs.

But I'm good now.

About as good as I can be knowing that my violent, child abusing, potential child sex predator is living with a woman and two young girls, and that he has been using them to manipulate my life since he abandoned us.

So basically I'm not really feeling very good about that at all. I mean as far as the ex goes, well fuck him, but the part about his two young daughters, that's scary.

And after some really long talks with my friends and Mr. Attorney Man about what my options are to warn this poor woman of who she is really married too, the lies that he is probably feeding her, and the danger that he poses to her children... I still don't know what to do.

A picture from the post "The Post Where I Show You My Ex." 

If only I'd known what was coming; both when the picture was originally taken, and when I posted it on the blog two years ago. 

I know what I went through, and I know what my children went through, and I know what we have continued to go through day after day for years on end because of his actions. And I can't lie, I don't like this new wife of his. I know that I don't know her, but I'm sorry, I already don't like her. I can't help but feel angry at the role she has played in my life (she was dating a married man, and I have a hard time believing that she didn't know that), but woman to woman, mother to mother, I also can't help but fear for her safety and the future of her children.

I'm Sorry I Flaked

I was planning on getting a new post up for tomorrow, but I'm working from the hospital again (The Girl Child is in but should be out soon!), and I'm not getting as much done as I'd hoped. Instead of completely bailing though, I'll leave you with a few of my articles that have run elsewhere recently, and hopefully it can entertain you for at least a few minutes!

Two SUPER EASY Meal Ideas (For Busy People!)

I don't know about you, but I'm busy as hell and don't typically have time to prepare gourmet meals.

Or, when I'm not busy, I'm lazy because I'm exhausted from being so busy.

And I like TV.

I like TV more than I like cooking.

#TrueStory  #NoShame #MaybeALittleShameButNoFilter

Anyway, as most of you know, even though I like TV more than I like cooking, nutrition is still very important to me. And because of that, I'm always on a quest to find simple yet healthy meals to feed my kids.

Today I bring you one of their all-time favorites, and it's so easy that this post serves more as a "hey, here's an idea that you've probably heard of but totally forgot about" reminder, rather than an actual recipe.

The Most Shocking Post I've Ever Written

A few weeks ago I was at the YMCA gym, working hard to tone my butt on the ARC trainer (because why not), and thinking about how nervous I was that it was the first time that my now eight-year-old daughter wasn’t in the kid’s area of the YMCA childcare center. I was nervous as all get-out to have her move up with the older kids (overprotective much?), but she was nothing short of EXCITED.

In fact, the only reason we were at the gym that night was because she had begged me to take her. She knew that in the “big kids room” there was a large TV with bean bag chair viewing, a ping pong table, computers, arts and crafts, and the most fun part to her, was that the kids could check out tablets to play games on.

So, after hearing her beg, whine, and plead for several days on end, we made our way to the YMCA so that she could finally experience the Disneyland version of YMCA childcare; big kid style.

Sweating to death on the ARC trainer, I cursed the timer that seemed to be moving incredibly slow, and then found myself looking around the gym to see if anyone else appeared to be feeling the same level of physical fitness failure that I seemed to be suffering from that night. But what caught my eye was not some random person falling off of a stair climber, but rather the face of my daughter who was standing in the hallway.

She was crying

Well, crying would be putting it mildly, because she was actually at the point where she was hyperventilating. I jumped off the ARC trainer mid stride, and when I met her in the hallway she threw her arms around me and buried her tear streaked face into my side.

When she had calmed down enough for me to talk to the childcare worker who was with her, the story unfolded that when she tried to check out a tablet, she realized that she didn’t have her ID card with her. A childcare worker volunteered to take her to find me so she could get her card, and off they went, to the “gym” where I had said I was going.

But, I wasn’t technically in the gym, I was in the fitness center.

When she didn’t find me in the actual gym, she decided that I must be in a dance class, so they looked there. When I wasn’t there, they checked the spin class, locker rooms, bathroom, and then made their way back to the gym. The track in the gym runs around the enclosed basketball courts, and because of that you can’t see the entire track from the door. So I guess, as the story goes, she thought that I must just be where she couldn’t see me and she started to walk around the track. When she still didn’t see me, she panicked, and before the childcare worker knew what was going on, my tiny eight-year-old girl, wearing braces on her legs and with panic in her heart, started running around the track crying and calling out for me.

When the childcare worker managed to get her off of the track, she told her “my daddy left me, and now my mommy left me too.”

Hearing that CRUSHED me, because it made me realize that after four and a half years, countless hours of trauma therapy, and all the reassurance in the world that I would never leave her, she still harbors the realization that parents aren’t always permanent, and love is not always unconditional.

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On Friday morning I went to court for the dramatic situation that is the unpaid child support that I am owed. Not to beat a dead horse here, but as a SUPER quick recap (click here for the full story) I will remind you that my ex owes me a great deal of money in unpaid support, and after many, many court dates, was finally found guilty in court, and was sentenced to jail. Then the judge decided that jail was too harsh and he would give my ex time to pay me half of what I was owed, in order stay out of jail. My ex said he could pay it in 60 days, and the judge said he would give him 90 days, but here we were, over 90 days later and he still had not paid me.

Per the judge’s order of “Mr. Strong, if you don’t show up with a check you had better show up with a toothbrush,” Mr. Attorney Man assured me that we had a decent shot at my ex being thrown in jail.

I'll Take Insanity For $500

Well, it's that time again. Time to head somewhere that typically just pisses me off and makes me a rather unpleasant person to be around for the 24 hours after I leave said place; mostly because it's a place filled with creepy people, a ridiculous judge, and an ex husband that I despise.

Oh yea, and there was that time Mr. Attorney Man and I almost died there. Not really, but almost. 

Yep, it's time to head back to court again on the never ending quest to get my ex husband to pay child support! Remember how the last time I went to court, a judge found my ex guilty of contempt for not following a court order, and not paying child support? Remember how thrilled I was to hear the verdict, until mere moments later when the judge said "Oh, sorry, struggling single mom of two special needs kids, who has been in front of my bench 15 times in the last four years since your ex never pays you, I'm actually not going to send him to jail. Instead I'm going to give him an extra 90 days to pay you half of what he owes. Because he only has himself to worry about and one job to work and I think that you look capable of getting a few more jobs to take care of your sick and disabled kids when you aren't sitting in a hospital for weeks on end, so just hang in there for a few more months since it's only been four years, and then just take the discounted money and be happy with it OK?"

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Well, he didn't exactly say that, but it was very much implied.

NO.

Not happy.

"You know, Judge, I really only wanted half the money anyway, in case I just wanted to start feeding my children half of what they need and only clothe them halfway."

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Mommy's New Man

If you remember from my last post, "To My Beautiful Daughter," both of my children had birthday's last month, and as I have done since before they were born, I had written a letter to each of the them; letters that are written on a weekly basis, and will one day be compiled into a book and given to them when the time is right.

For those of you who didn't read the last post, I'd suggest that you go and do that first, but if clicking over there is too much work, I'll post a brief excerpt for you (paraphrased for context):

"Typically my letters to them are based on goofy things they have said, the fun things we have done, the struggles that I encounter in raising them, and general updates to their life, but every year when their birthday’s roll around… well let’s just say that I tend to get a bit more sentimental.

Today I invite you all to read two of the letters that God willing, my kids themselves will one day read when the time is right. I'll warn you that they contain a lot of things that you have already heard me say on this blog and in my articles, so it may feel a bit redundant, but remember, these letters weren't written for you, they were written for them, and all the feelings that I have shared with you in raising them, well now one day they will get to read them too." So, last week was The Girl Child's letter, and today I'd like to share with you The Boy Child's Letter. Also, I will once again be sharing a few unblocked photos with you.

Thank you for reading.

I Have A Dream (That I'll Think About Tomorrow)

Several years ago, shortly after I started writing this blog, I started writing a book. Initially my plan was to follow the course that many authors hope to follow, which would be to get picked up by an agent, sign with a publisher, and release the book “the old fashioned way.”

But then life got crazy, as life tends to do, and the enormity of the work I was doing to overcome more trauma than I even realized I had, led me to blogging here more often than book writing. I spent my days pouring my emotions out into the pages of this blog and reflecting a lot on my past, and even though I had every intention of writing the book, I just (constantly) figured that I would get to it tomorrow.

Over the course of the next year, I started the nonprofit, continued to work myself into an online writing career, and kept up with the blog, but "tomorrow" never seemed to come when it came to finishing the book. The kids had health issues, money was tight, stress was high, and the idea of working on anything that didn’t involve our immediate survival, seemed unnecessary.

I told myself that I would get to the book when life calmed down, and I pushed the idea out of my mind.

Eventually I began to think that maybe going the traditional route of writing a book “the old fashioned way,” wasn’t really what I wanted to do, and that maybe an ebook would be the way to go. It would allow me to work at my own pace, be my own critic, write exactly what I wanted to write, and above all else, it seemed easier.

I like easy. I’m a big fan of the easy route.

So I wrote most of the book, edited it a lot, and when I was just about done, I realized something…

I didn’t like it.

To My Beautiful Daughter

I woke up as a flurry of excitement scrambled across my groggy body and then jumped up to stand over me. “Mom!” The Boy Child exclaimed. “Look at me! Look at my legs! Look at my arms!” he said, thrusting his arms in front of my face. “They are bigger, because I grew last night! I’m five today!!”

And he was.

Last month, both of my kids had birthdays. The Boy Child turned five, The Girl Child turned eight, and I cried, because as The Boy Child reminded me, “mommy, you don’t have any babies anymore!”

And he is right.

I don’t.

Neither of them are babies anymore, and from the length of their limbs to their ability to have a logical debate (read: argument) with me, I am constantly reminded of the independent people that they are becoming. People that are growing up before my very eyes, and beginning to distance themselves from the very life-saving tasks that they once relied on me to provide for them on a constant basis.

On one hand it makes me incredibly proud to look at them and know that I gave them life; that I provided well enough to sustain those lives, and that they will go on to lead their own lives that will hopefully make a positive impact on the world around them.

But of course the mommy in me wants to stop the world from turning so fast and take the time to just be. Just be with them and around them, and enjoy the moments that are passing before my eyes faster than I seem to be able to take them all in.

But I can’t do that, and so here I find myself, hanging on tightly for the ride of my life, and praying to God that wherever we are going, that it will all turn out alright.

And as I’ve done since before they were born, I sat down to write them a weekly letter to add to their books; a book of letters that I someday hope to pass onto them when the time seems right. A book that will share with them some very personal insights into how it was to raise them, love them, giggle with them, snuggle them, hurt with and for them, often fail in my parenting skills, and always, always cheer them on.

It's the book of our lives and the letters in our moments.

Venting (Sorry)

As some of you probably know from Facebook, The Girl Child has had a bit of a rough week and a half.

Because of that, I'm a little bit exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment, but I didn't want to completely neglect you, so if you haven't been on my Facebook, check out these two articles of mine that ran on Huffington Post and Babble. I'll be the first to admit that some of what I write can be a bit of a mindless time filler, but I'm actually really pleased with the way both of these articles turned out.

A Letter To My Fatherless Daughter

My Husband Abandoned Our Family, And The Hardest Part Was Dealing With What Everyone Else Had To Say About It

Aside from that, if I may, I'm going to vent for a minute. And sure, once I'm a little more rested and thinking a bit more clearly, maybe I'll regret this, but not today. Today I'm angry and feel like venting, so that's what is going to happen!!

**WARNING, IF YOU DON'T LIKE TO HEAR PEOPLE COMPLAIN, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE NOW**

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Have you all heard of the website "Talking Parents?" It's kind of like if Facebook messenger and email had a baby, you would get Talking Parents. The website serves as a communication mode for parents going through a court case. It allows parents to chat back and forth like Facebook messenger, and it records when each parent logged in and when each message was read. You can upload attachments such as bills, right into the system for the other parent to view, and then you have proof when they viewed them. Best yet the messages cannot be changed or tampered with, so when you go to court you can actually print a complete record of everything that was said and when things were read. (Promise this is not a paid advertisement. Although if any of you work for Talking Parents... I'd be willing to accept some compensation lol.)

At my last court date I requested that the judge order all communication with my ex to be done through Talking Parents, so I would have proof that my ex ignores me and all my attempts to work amicably with him on things such as bills, child support, and anything else that may arise.

It was granted, my ex and I signed up, and THE IDIOT HAS NOT FAILED TO SHOW HIS IDIOCRACY.

Straight From The Mouths Of The Little People I Live With

As usual, things have not "normalized" around here, meaning that my kids are just as weird as ever. I mean I can't blame them since they have me as their mother, but still, I'm pretty strange, so if I'm constantly being caught off guard by how strange my kids are... well then that's saying something.

Nothing to see here people, move along.

Sorry folks, I don't have normal kids. I just don't.

And to further prove my point, allow me to present to you, exhibits Sunday-Saturday:

Sunday:

The Boy Child, after stepping directly into a wet spot on the carpet that I had just cleaned with a heavy duty carpet cleaning solution, looked a little startled and then assured me "don't worry mom, it didn't burn the shit out of me like you said if would if I touched it."

He then ran off to watch the breakfast cookies bake while I pondered my parenting failures.

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Part Three Of The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

If you remember from the last part of this unique three-part-post, I had been struggling to get comfortable with the very close relationship that the guy I'm dating, has with a female friend. Where we left off, The Guy had come to the realization that maybe the relationship he had with this female friend, was not as platonic as he had previously thought. Attempting to rectify the situation, he took it upon himself to email her (cringe!) without my knowledge, and tell her that he needed to redefine the boundaries of their friendship. 

If you have not yet read parts one and two, I suggest you read those first! You can find Part One here, and Part Two here.

As for the rest of you, enjoy the conclusion!

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

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Her response to his email was quick, and it was brutal.

Part Two Of The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

If you remember from the previous part of this unique three-part-post, I had been struggling to get comfortable with the very close relationship that the guy I'm dating, has with a female friend. Where we left off, I was having a difficult time balancing my genuine concerns over the closeness of their relationship, with my guilt that maybe the cheating ways of the previous men in my life might be the only reason I felt suspicious that something might be going on.

If you haven't yet read Part One, you can find that by clicking here.

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So there we were, him wanting to know what he could do to ease my mind, and me not even sure what I should be worried about.

I’m sure that at this point you must be envisioning some huge, drama filled situation that plagued us heavily on a daily basis, but I promise you it wasn’t like that. It was more like a constant yet almost inaudible level of annoyance, that was still very much there, and would occasionally turn the volume up until we paid it some attention.

But that still doesn’t mean that it ever went away.

Then, several weeks ago, The Guy, the kids, and I were at a park. The Boy Child quickly struck up a friendship with another boy his age, and while watching them play, I struck up a conversation with the child’s dad. We chit-chatted about whatever it is that people talk about while making small talk over the sandbox, and then The Girl Child came running over to me with gum stuck to her arm. Being very aware that she had not been chewing gum, I gagged a little bit and the boy’s dad quickly fished an antibacterial wipe out of his FANNY PACK so that I could clean The Girl Child off.

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

The Threatening Female Friend (And All The Hateful Stuff She Said About Me To The Guy I'm Dating)

“I’ll forward them to you” he said, and in response, my entire body cringed. You see, I’d been dating this guy for a while now, and he had just told his best female friend that he couldn’t speak to her anymore, because of me. She reacted with a string of very pleasant emails that called me everything from a psycho bitch to a complete mental case. She told him that he needed to break up with me, and was livid that he wasn’t defending her. And by livid, I mean she said “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.”

So basically, it was a lot of fun.

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Now let me back up for a minute and say that yes, I’ve been seeing someone. I waiver back and forth between discussing it on here, and not discussing it on here, and I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel like I’ve displayed so much of my dating life online, that I’m feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. You’ve watched me go on good dates, and horrible dates, you’ve seen me fend off creepy men that I wasn’t at all interested in, you’ve seen me start to fall for people, and you’ve seen me get my heart broken when it didn’t work out. You’ve watched me break a few hearts, and you’ve seen me struggle to date while trying to find the balance that still puts my kids first. You’ve also watched me try and figure out if monogamy or polyamory was for me, and you saw that I landed somewhere undecided.

I’ve basically bared everything from the inside of my heart to the inside of my bedroom, and I don’t know… I guess I’m just feeling a little shy this time around because I’ve already eaten so much dirt while the whole world has watched, that I'm a little full of dirt at the moment.

So to be vague and yet somewhat concrete, yes, at this point I am seeing someone monogamously. Where this will end up, I really couldn’t say. We aren’t living together or anything like that. There is no secret engagement, my kids aren’t calling him daddy, he isn’t paying any of my bills, but we are together. We have been taking things at a snail’s pace (there are kids involved here!) and how this proceeds from there, only time will tell. But as I said, I’m just feeling a little vulnerable these days, and honestly I’m not sure how many more times I can have my heart broken and still find a positive spin on it while I put myself back together. I think, at this point, that I’d almost rather grieve the loss of another relationship privately if it were to come to that, and I hope that you can all respect that. So until I’m a little surer of the unsure, vague it is.

But what I will say, is that so far things seem to be going well… and that is much to the dismay of his close female friend, whose emails were the ones he was forwarding to me.

Allow me set the stage for you:

Shortly after I started dating this guy — who we will now refer to as The Guy (I know, I’ve gotten so creative with these names lately, haven’t I?) — I learned that he had a very close female friend. Aaaannnddd… I’m not going to lie; my radar signals went up. He hadn’t given me any reason to suspect anything and I’d like to think that I’m mature enough and secure enough to handle my man having a close female friend…. but let’s just say that I’m not always that mature.

When It Hurts

When I was about 10 years old, I was running up the stairs to my bedroom when my ankle rolled and gave way. Over the sound of my body thudding down each and every step, was a very distinctive and sickening “popping” noise that sent chills down my spine and a searing pain up through my leg.

Crumpled at the bottom of the stairs in a heap, I laid there bawling my eyes out. My mother — who had been walking up the stairs in front of me — leaned over the railing from the floor above me and told me to stop crying and get up.

I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I do know that the conversation ended with my mother turning her back on me to go pack (they were going out of town), and me crawling up the rest of the stairs to my room.

You see this wasn’t the first time that I had hurt my ankle, and quite frankly I think that my mother was just tired of me complaining about being hurt. But I did hurt, and I hurt almost all the time. Not even just my ankle, but every single part of me.

This is actually The Girl Child pouting about who even knows what (so dramatic, the little girls!) but this is basically an accurate picture of how I felt most days.

Later that night, my parents dropped me and my brothers off at my grandparent’s house, where we would be staying for the weekend while my parent’s went on a short getaway. As I hobbled through the doorway, my grandpa asked me what was wrong. “Oh you know her” my parents both chided, “always the drama queen that one.”

Choking back tears from both humiliation and pain, I made my way to the living room where I sat down until it was decided by my parents that I just needed to walk it off. And by walk it off, they meant jump rope. I was given a jump rope and all but shoved outside where adult faces were pressed against the window and I was told that I could come back in after I jumped rope for a while. My grandpa, assuming that my parents were right and I just needed to "walk it off," was cheering me on.

So I jumped.

It's That Time Again, Welcome To "Conversations I Didn't Think I Would Be Having This Week!"

I don't know about you, but I'm just not really sure if I even know what "normal" is anymore. I think it used to be some kind of goal that I was striving for, but at some point I gave up and settled comfortably into this:

Monday:

I was getting ready for work and out of the corner of my eye, I caught site of The Girl Child staring at me.

Me: "What?"

Her: "Are you sad that you only have like 30 more years of living left?"

Me: Stares at her in what must have been a shocked and somewhat annoyed looking expression.

Her: "What? I didn't say I was happy about it either."

Tuesday:

The route that we take to get to daycare has us go over a bridge and through an intersection. At the intersection the north/south street has a stop sign on either side, and the east/west street (the bridge) does not. So if you are coming off or going onto the bridge you don't have to stop, but if you are driving on the cross street you do.

Until now.

Newsflash: Bad Things Happen

“Alright” the doctor said, flipping through the test results that the nurse had just handed him. “Hum. Ok” he muttered to himself as I tried not to jump out of the chair and rip the results from his hands.

I mean really now, read a little faster and tell me what the hell is going on.

“Ok” he repeated, this time finally looking up at me and closing the chart. “As you remember, a few months ago your son had surgery to repair a defect in his inner ear, caused by a problem from a surgery he had on both ears two years prior.”

“Yes, I remember” I replied, anxious to move the conversation away from what I already knew to what I was waiting for him to tell me.

“And if you remember, the surgery had not been a success and we were planning on giving it another go around once we let the ear heal for a little bit.”

Waiting for a different surgery last year

“Yea, I know,” I related, “and then he had those problems with his kidneys and had to have an unexpected surgical procedure done, and I’m finally circling back around to take care of this.”

“Well,” the doctor sighed, “it appears as if he failed the hearing test, and at this point the surgery that he is going to need is above what I can do, so I’m going to have to send you to another specialist.”

Things That Make You Ask "Why?" Part 11

It's been much too long since we've done one of these posts!! And since it's the middle of the week and we are halfway from the fun of the previous weekend and still have a few more days until we make it to the next one, now seems like the perfect time for a good chuckle. So without further ado, I bring you another addition of "Things That Make You Ask Why?"

All photos are courtesy of my cellphone and the strange life I lead.

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Why is this guy breaking the law?

Because it's illegal to have nuts hanging from your car. I know this because while sitting behind this car at the gas station, I Googled truck nuts to see if they really were nuts or if I just had a dirty mind.

They are real, and also really illegal. Huh.

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And speaking of trucks, what is this? Why would a truck need a sign like this? Am I unaware that truck pushing is an actual problem that truck companies have to deal with? Pushing them where? Out of the way when they drive too slowly? I mean I just... I don't get it.

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